on being present in the present

Because you know, your presence in the present really is a present.

HA.

I couldnt help myself.

But you know, I have been thinking about this for awhile. Being present. And yes, what a gift it is. But it isnt just a gift for the taking. It really is a skill, you know? Its something we have to work on, to be mindful of, and well, I suck at it most of the time.

We are in this strange in between land right now, as a family. Maybe moving this spring, maybe doing some traveling, maybe starting homeschool in the fall. My head is a whir of all of this, like on a merry-go-round, spinning, spinning, spinning. A see these blurry ideas and thoughts and plans as I spin around, hanging on tight, just blurs of color, fuzzy images, but I am getting to the point where I need solidity. I NEED to get OFF the merry-go-round, focus on something, and move forward.

As mothers it is so easy to set our heads in the future. When the baby sleeps through the night (ever?? HA) when the kids start school, when potty training is finally over (ALMOST THERE!), when dada gets that promotion, when we move to a bigger house, when I go back to work (HA, someday??)

I dont know why we do this. Because the now is SO much work? It is. This 5, 3, baby thing. Geez (or CHEESE, as little miss says) It is ROUGH. I AM TIRED. (WHY AM I WRITING IN CAPS SO MUCH TODAY?? SORRY, I WILL STOP)

It is a lot. We are afraid to look down I think. To look around us. That maybe, we will be disappointed. Maybe because motherhood, and parenthood, is such a treasured thing. We dream up all these visions of our family as little girls. I know I did. The dark haired thoughtful girl, the wide eyed adorable set of twins, the little brother, the cooing baby. And a man that was always fuzzy faced. I had it all worked out. And how fabulous I would be. And we would travel. And I would work, saving starving children or something noble like that.

Maybe its that we are afraid to look around, afraid our now wont live up to those dreams. I dont know. Maybe that is part of it.

I am also a control freak, and I know many mamas that are too. Anything out of our control (say, the pottying habits of our stubborn three year old or the outcome of a rough pregnancy) is really really hard to handle. I want to KNOW. NOW. DAMMIT. (Shoot, caps again)

But we can't. And this is life. But instead of accepting this I too often try to escape, to this imaginary future where everything is worked out.

Do you do that? I think a lot of us do.

So. For Lent this year I am giving up the Crackberry (no more 40 million facebook checks while little man yells to fix his lego machine and the baby cries and little miss begs for "more cwackers mama!") An unprecedented move on my part to really, really try and be PRESENT in this PRESENT. Which really is a beautiful place. And to not compare it to the present I thought it would be, or the present I would like to live in in the future. But to grasp it for what it is, even the hard stuff, to be mindful that it really is, well, a PRESENT.

we had an ice cream sampling party the other night, with ben and
jerry flavors. we just sat and were. and laughed and lit candles.
and it was kinda perfect, for a few minutes.