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Friday, October 1, 2021

45 things at 45


Here is a list of 45  important/unimportant things I am thinking about as I turn 45, in no particular order. 

1) How am I 45? 

2) 45 feels exactly like 35 except my kids are older, and I know a couple more things about myself and in general, and my joints hurt when the weather changes.

3) Does this mean 55 will be the same?

4) 50 is only five years away and that feels scary. Why?

5) My sisters are my best friends. I like that.

6) Good friends that you can stop by for cups of coffee after school drop off are like shiny golden coins in life. Find them and cling to them. (MISS HEATHER I LOVE YOU)

7) I am finding in my old age that certain things that piss me off make me feel antsy to do something about them. Not just read about them in the news and sigh. Right now I am pissed off about teenage girls of color shouldering so much responsibility in this new pandemic world and Afghan refugees not having anywhere to go. Law school? Maybe I should??

8) I can't stay up any later than midnight without feeling like a zombie the next day. This is different from even a year ago.

9) I also can barely drink anymore and never do. Weird.

10) I am finding in my old age also that I fucking love to swear and there is nothing better than a call with a colleague where you just let those mother fucking swears slide off your tongue together and everyone is cool with it. 

11) Teenagers are precious creatures. They need tender loving care like toddlers but you can't let them know you think that.

12) Self-belief is an actual skill that you can learn, just like piano or painting or mastering excel spreadsheets.

13) I love excel spreadsheets.

14) I can no longer eat ice cream. But it is delicious. SHIT.

15) I am also finding in my old age this incredible truth - the things that make you jealous are the things that you should pour your energy into accomplishing because it is your heart's way of telling you to DO THE DAMN THING.

16) Authors make me jealous. I need to write again. 

17) I am contemplating renting a convertible and going for a drive this weekend. Is this irresponsible of me? Discuss.

18) The things that divided us into groups of people in college and high school that seemed so very relevant are so irrelevant now. I am pretty sure if I saw anyone from high school or college days right now I would scream and hug them.

19) Maybe I need more friends??

20) I am ambiguous about dating. Ever again. I am happy being me. 

21) Grudges are not worth it. Even big ones. Even the biggest. Let that shit go. You will feel lighter.

22) Back to point 1) AM I REALLY 45??? HOW????

23) Letting people into your life to help you is a hard skill to learn, whether you hire them (therapists, HOUSECLEANERS) or friends and family. But you gotta learn. 

24) No matter how much you scrub at that spot on the kitchen counter it is not going to come out Sara. Let that shit go. You will feel lighter.

25) People with other political opinions are still people. Chill. In the end we want what is best for ourselves, our families, and our countries, where are the peacemakers at in policy??? SURELY WE CAN FIGURE SOME OF THIS HARD STUFF OUT FOLKS??? It's up to us, the citizens, to relearn how to have dialogue and move forward. And I firmly people teaching college and high school students how to converse and problem solve is the core solution to getting us out of this polarization we seem to swirl around in lately. End of political rant.

26) Maybe MAYBE I would date again if someone with a witty sense of humor and a stable sense of self and nice teeth approached me. 

27) There are no men with nice teeth above the age of 40 on dating apps. Prove me wrong.

28) I will probably delete those last two points before posting, then again, I bet half of my readers won't get this far.

29) I no longer enjoy pizza. 

30) If I was not a mother I would 100% go to Jordan and help manage operations at a refugee camp. I would kick ass at this job.

31) Getting up at 5am to have time to myself before the children wake up is just 100% not in my DNA make up. It is not possible. I would not enjoy this existence. And I am 100% ok with staying up until midnight instead to have this time. Haters gonna hate but having a morning hour to yourself is not necessary for life success and I resent all those who made me feel guilty for not being able to do this in my 30s.

32) It is okay to have certain people in your life that fit into certain categories of friendship. The friend you go to for parenting problems. The friend you go to for divorce processing. The friend you send silly texts to. Your healthy eating friend. Your kickass business buddy. They do not have to be the same person. And just because you can't confide in one person about your scary doctor appointment doesn't mean they aren't your friend. Different people for different areas of your life. This is okay.

33) Too much of marriage is trying to put all of those above people into one role - your spouse. It's not possible. And I wish more people talked about this.

34) I do not appreciate sleeping in tents. I have reconciled myself to this reality.

35) Being gracious with yourself is different than letting yourself off the hook. Sometimes you have to tough love yourself. 

36) If you have gotten this far you are a true June fan and I adore you.

37) It's okay to not be good at things. You can do them anyway. If you enjoy them. Or you can not do them. Let that shit go. 

38) Boundaries are essential in every part of your life. Your work day. Your relationships. Your friendships. Your own self care. This is what they should teach teenagers. Not algebra. 

39) I love buying hand towels and throw pillows. Why.

40) I feel sad about the me I was in some respects 10 years ago. 35 yr old me was so hard on herself. So demanding. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her its okay and by 45 things were going to be so much better and lighter and more fulfilling. But I wonder if 35 yr old me would judge 45 yr old me. Probably. She didn't believe in divorce, as she often used to say. She didn't believe in herself either. She tried. But deep down she didn't. Poor honey. If this is you reading this now. Hugs. And keep going. And believe. 

41) Fake it till you make it is a real thing. You can trick yourself into believing you can do something and if you keep doing it over and over you will actually get good at doing the thing! I am not kidding about this. 

42) The majority of adults, no matter how successful they appear, feel like this. They are just winging it. Trying to figure out life. When you realize this it makes you a, feel better about yourself and your own little efforts and b, kinder to the world of fakers around you. WE ARE ALL JUST DOING OUR BEST.

43) Pressure is on. Almost at the end of the list. Need to think of something truly awesome I am thinking about to round this thing up.

44) I need more coffee. Not inspiring. Try again Sara.

45) In the end of it all, when you close your eyes, breathe in the hair of your swiftly growing children, hug their bony gangly frames that used to be chubby and dimpled, and look at the life you have built around you it is ALL SO GODDAM GOOD. And you should be proud. And keep on keeping on.

Much love all.


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