that moment

Getting real today, poor June. 

I felt the need to write the moment, share this picture, because I want to 1) let it go - like a seeping wound that needs air - and 2) spur our conversations around living in authenticity. 

So here, it is, my moment. 

This moment, my crater moment, happened not far from an actual crater - a volcanic one, upon which our coffee farm was clinging to the side of the volcanic rock. It might have all tumbled into the ocean in that moment because everything I thought was real and true was swept out from underneath me. 

Well. Almost everything.

But, it turns out, the things that were still there. My kids. My sense of urgent purpose (gotta get us back on our feet!). And my parents and siblings. They were all I needed to climb out of that crater and find solid ground again. 

The image above is one that I have never shared. My last night on my little hillside farm. I took it because I wanted to remember her. That Sara. Her eyes are so sad. So confused. Hurt. Betrayed. But, freaking determined. 

Have you had this moment?

This make or break sensation of, like Eminem says “Success is the only m-f-er option, failure's not."

This is what I am talking about. 

And here is the thing, and read closely. WE ALL HAVE THESE MOMENTS. They might be monumental, like mine, an undoing of so much, or they might be a subtle shift in the ground under you that changes everything. 

Some of us endure these moments quietly, push them away, or stagger with the change and keep on with appearances. Others of us run in fear. And some, surrounded by cheerleaders, might be able to use these moments to catapult into the next great thing. 

So, what are you going to do?

Are you listening to the tremors in your life that are telling you “Find the next thing. Do that thing you have always wanted to do. You can!” 

Listen. Tune in. Because the crater isn't where we were meant to live. It's where we release and let go and become alive!

Here is the deal. I know what it is like. My next venture, this course and community "Claim Your Revolution" is to invite others into this journey.

My June people. We diapered our babies together. And now, likely, so many years later, we are sending the last of our babies off to school and wondering, what is next. Do you feel the shifting ground??

What are you gonna do about it?????????????????

 

these weeks, years

My baby boy. My first baby boy. Turned 11.

It's like his baby-ness is slipping away, one day at a time. Replaced with a funny, sarcastic, imaginative, interesting person. Imagine that??? Motherhood is a wonder.

My other baby boy, the 18 month old, is getting so big too. Talking up a storm (IMAGINE THAT????) and playing and wandering and getting into dirt all day.

And I am sitting here, writing from my lanai office (see pic below for reference) and good golly, how are the weeks flying by?? The years???

And here I sit. So much on the horizon. So much "becoming" to do.

And oh my gosh. I didnt know where this post was going and then it ended up somewhere amazing and I had a revelation about where I am at these days and then I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT AND NOW I AM MAD AT THE INTERNET.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO........INTERNET!!!!!!!

So, here is a summary.

Rambling. Rambling. Rambling thoughts.

Pretty soon this baby, currently playing in the dirt, is going to be 11 and rolling his eyes at me and listening to music in his room and I will be 50 (let us not dwell on that number too long, shall we?) and what will life be then??? Will I have done all these things I have always dreamed about that now seem to be sitting in my lap, waiting for me to pluck up the courage and DO??????

Book writing, so close, I have high hopes for the way I am revising the current manuscript I am working on...still...

Traveling, teaching, training, helping do-gooder-ness. YES. All this IS HAPPENING.

Coffee. Lots of it. Growing and drinking it.

This little farm, once again a thing of beauty. (see inspiration pictures below)

(SIDE NOTE: I am literally looking the other way as baby throws handfuls of dirt into the cooler full of water in the garage...UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH)

All of these things. ARE HAPPENING.

So. These things. Does all of it make me a "bad mom"???? I feel like it lately, like I am supposed to sit here on this dream coffee farm baking bread and reveling in my June-ness.

But that is not me. Nor has it ever been.

And my family knows it.

And I realized, as I typed it all out before, that this is necessary and good and important for me to do all these things, not in spite of them, not around them, but BECAUSE of and FOR them.

The integrated life.

That came to me the other day as I sat out on the lanai, updating my blog, sending out a proposal for a teaching gig, working on my bio, and thinking about agents...

The integrated life.

My kids, my husband, young moms around me...I want them to see me doing these things, not just blogging about them, but doing them, with gusto, with kids at the table eating brown rice and kale chips and homebaked bread, laughing and talking and writing and drawing and playing and dreaming. Because this is life. It is all of it, it is fullness. And it may not happen perfectly, or simultaneously, but, golly gee whiz (my latest go-to "swear" when I actually want to say something like "dammit all to hell" or something like that...) WE CAN DO IT.

All the things I want to do, have wanted to do, for so long are literally sitting in my lap. And it is both unnerving and exhilarating all at once.

And here is the interesting thing I realized, writing this out before, people have asked me these days, "so you got your farm in Hawaii, are you so incredibly happy or what??????"

To which I say, and acknowledge here, no, honestly I am not. I am reverent. Of this time, of this gift, and so so leery of my next steps in life, because I want to honor what this is and what it means and not mess it up. You know? Like, this incredible gift, these opportunities, have come our way, my way, and I want this integrated life of writing and traveling and teaching and farming to finally come to fruition, and here it is, happening, unfolding really, like I am just a person in this bigger story, and I am just standing here kind of in awe and yes, ready to hustle, and also, fearful of not honoring it all to its fullness.

That sounds cheesy, full of myself I suppose, but its truthful.

In any case. Are you ready to jump off this cliff June??? Let's see if you can fly................

We moved here two years ago this week! And now this spot is home...

my little flower bed by the mandarin tree, overlooking the ledge which will soon
house my kitchen garden of herbs and flowers and good things

THIS is my inspiration picture....cant you imagine it?????? below is what we are currently dealing with....

clearcutting "weeds" to reveal the old terraces which will again be beautiful gardens...someday...

this chicken has claimed. we have named her sally. she leaves us eggs sometimes.

ELEVEN???

marking the occassion---my first time driving kids to school in my PJs

i discovered these plants growing all over are lilies!

these are a kind of tropical apple

i made these overalls for jack!!

giant guava from our tree

my office on the lanai

i did a pinterest thing

all this big stuff??? WE CAN DO IT

thoughts on holding space for our kids... plus volcano pics (!!)

I've been thinking a lot about this concept over the past crazy busy month.

Holding space.

And it has been busy. I've been teaching and attending meetings and skyping in on conference calls. Meanwhile registering my kids for school (what the heck with all the paperwork????) and finishing up karate lessons (Martial Arts MOM!) and trying to keep the house in order, somewhat (mostly thanks to Auntie Molly who has been staying with us for the summer!! YAY AUNTIE!!)

Meanwhile. Meanwhile.

Parenting needs seem to increase exponentially, don't they? Everyone seems to hit peak of "I NEED YOU" at the same time. One getting near 10 years old, and all the complications the pre-teen years bring. Another hitting the mid-7-I-know-everything-and-feel-everything phase. Another heading off into the unknown nethers of kindergarten grown-upedness.

What the heck.

Kindergarten.

And don't forget the four month sleep regression growth spurt for baby...

All. At. Once.

And everything is so BIG and FEELINGS and IMPOSSIBLE and I CANT DO IT MOM and MORE FEELINGS that are VERY BIG.

And then I am tired. Very oh so very big tired.

But I read this article somewhere about this concept of "holding space" for people, emotionally. With so much going in our country and so many feelings and hurt and social media makes it so easy to react big and violently and not actually have to interact with others who are hurt or who have different opinions than us. Holding space is saying, I see your hurt. I am sorry. I am here for you. And that is all. No judgement. No rushing to condemn or condone. Holding space for other people's sorrow.

And then thinking about what this looks like in parenting.

It is "Calm Wall." One of our favoritest parenting mantras for our BIG FEELINGS kiddos (er, all of them, uh, dont know where they get THAT from). CALM WALL. I chant, as they yell and cry and writhe over small injustices and big.

Calm Wall means this, it isn't our emotion. It is theirs. We dont need to absorb their emotional energy about a problem. Their anger doesnt need to lead to our anger.

CALM WALL. Say it with me, while exhaling through the teeth. I AM A CALM WALL. I swear to you, this works.

But this holding space concept goes beyond.

Because they aren't just small, these feelings. They are big too. Real things. The friend that says the hurtful word, or that doesn't extend a birthday invitation. The group of kids that calls names and convinces my child, my sweet child, that he is fat.The fear of an unknown school that leaves our stomachs in knots at night. The fear of an earache and visit to the doctor.

These are real things. Hurtful, and scary situations for adults too. That medical diagnosis we don't understand. That group of moms that gossips about us at the park. That caring aunt who questions our parenting and leaves us doubtful of ourselves.

All very real.

All very worth feeling. But we have learned to control our emotional responses to this kind of hurt. We have had years to learn to suck in our nasty retorts to our aunt and smile and graciously leave the room. To stop googling a list of symptoms and believe its the worst ailment possible (SARA. STOP GOOGLING) To smile and wave at the moms at the park and let their ugly words slide off us like water off a duck.

What? No?

SEE?? I totally get freaked out and up in my head about all of those situations. I do it all the time. I see myself doing it, but it still happens.

So for our kids, who are still learning to gauge their feelings, who are still asking, what is worth this big response of yelling at crying?? My brother hitting me on the head in the car? Wait, it isnt? Oh. Ok. Sorry.

The need to modulate these responses (yes, I just used the word modulate, PhD program here I come) is what comes with age. With maturity.

This is holding space.

To be a calm wall.

To be a mom who says, I know that you getting a small piece of chocolate seems worth the rage you are throwing. I am here as you sort that out and calm down. To teach appropriate responses.

Or, I know they hurt your feelings with those mean words. I am here for you, as you cry in the bathroom to move back home, that no one likes you, that you have no friends.

Holding space. Like we appreciate from friends around us when we too are sad.

Have you ever had someone say to you, "Calm down!" when you are frustrated about something.? As a BIG feeler of ALL THE EMOTIONS I can tell you I have. Over and over. And its not fun. It says, "your emotions dont count" which is a short path to "you don't count."

Anyway. Its taken me almost a whole week to get out this post. Even now my 9yr old has interrupted me forty bazillion times, I've had to cut out three butterfly wings from felt for the crafting 7 yr old, and I've rescued the baby from getting shaken to death but his enthusiastic little sister ("you are SO CUUUUUUUUTE, arent you???? SO CUUUUUUUUUTE!!!" she squeals in his face.)

But I am really hoping to get more into this practice. It takes practice, for sure. Your emotions aren't mine. But I can stand here, with you, as you work them out. And I love you.

Here's hoping we get a bit more of this in the upcoming political race too. We sure need it. LORD HAVE MERCY and OY VEY.

Hugs mamas.

Three days until we start school. I am going to go drink more coffee and try not to throw up. We are doing a mini "staycation week" this week. A few days ago we went, finally, to Volcano National Park. It was magical. Otherwordly. The kind of place you expect to see fairies popping out of the many orchids scattered around the rainforest or dinosaurs trekking across the vast landscape dotted with steam vents. Here are some photos.

mom. i can see LAVA.

photographer mama. i swear i was there too.

yes, i totally had a heart attack as the kids peeked over a huge cliff trying to get a first glimpse of the caldera and the volcano

auntie molly studies geology (headed to grad school in a month!) she was KINDA excited by the steam vents

the kids hiked more than two miles!!

except this one strolled. Little Green style.

the lava was seriously bubbling up. so cool