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Sunday, September 24, 2017

now we are six - little green edition

When I was One,
I had just begun.

When I was Two,
I was nearly new.

When I was Three

I was hardly me.

 When I was Four,

I was not much more.

When I was Five,

I was just alive.

But now I am Six,

I'm as clever as clever,

So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017

these weeks, years

My baby boy. My first baby boy. Turned 11.

It's like his baby-ness is slipping away, one day at a time. Replaced with a funny, sarcastic, imaginative, interesting person. Imagine that??? Motherhood is a wonder.

My other baby boy, the 18 month old, is getting so big too. Talking up a storm (IMAGINE THAT????) and playing and wandering and getting into dirt all day.

And I am sitting here, writing from my lanai office (see pic below for reference) and good golly, how are the weeks flying by?? The years???

And here I sit. So much on the horizon. So much "becoming" to do.

And oh my gosh. I didnt know where this post was going and then it ended up somewhere amazing and I had a revelation about where I am at these days and then I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT AND NOW I AM MAD AT THE INTERNET.


So, here is a summary.

Rambling. Rambling. Rambling thoughts.

Pretty soon this baby, currently playing in the dirt, is going to be 11 and rolling his eyes at me and listening to music in his room and I will be 50 (let us not dwell on that number too long, shall we?) and what will life be then??? Will I have done all these things I have always dreamed about that now seem to be sitting in my lap, waiting for me to pluck up the courage and DO??????

Book writing, so close, I have high hopes for the way I am revising the current manuscript I am working on...still...

Traveling, teaching, training, helping do-gooder-ness. YES. All this IS HAPPENING.

Coffee. Lots of it. Growing and drinking it.

This little farm, once again a thing of beauty. (see inspiration pictures below)

(SIDE NOTE: I am literally looking the other way as baby throws handfuls of dirt into the cooler full of water in the garage...UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH)

All of these things. ARE HAPPENING.

So. These things. Does all of it make me a "bad mom"???? I feel like it lately, like I am supposed to sit here on this dream coffee farm baking bread and reveling in my June-ness.

But that is not me. Nor has it ever been.

And my family knows it.

And I realized, as I typed it all out before, that this is necessary and good and important for me to do all these things, not in spite of them, not around them, but BECAUSE of and FOR them.

The integrated life.

That came to me the other day as I sat out on the lanai, updating my blog, sending out a proposal for a teaching gig, working on my bio, and thinking about agents...

The integrated life.

My kids, my husband, young moms around me...I want them to see me doing these things, not just blogging about them, but doing them, with gusto, with kids at the table eating brown rice and kale chips and homebaked bread, laughing and talking and writing and drawing and playing and dreaming. Because this is life. It is all of it, it is fullness. And it may not happen perfectly, or simultaneously, but, golly gee whiz (my latest go-to "swear" when I actually want to say something like "dammit all to hell" or something like that...) WE CAN DO IT.

All the things I want to do, have wanted to do, for so long are literally sitting in my lap. And it is both unnerving and exhilarating all at once.

And here is the interesting thing I realized, writing this out before, people have asked me these days, "so you got your farm in Hawaii, are you so incredibly happy or what??????"

To which I say, and acknowledge here, no, honestly I am not. I am reverent. Of this time, of this gift, and so so leery of my next steps in life, because I want to honor what this is and what it means and not mess it up. You know? Like, this incredible gift, these opportunities, have come our way, my way, and I want this integrated life of writing and traveling and teaching and farming to finally come to fruition, and here it is, happening, unfolding really, like I am just a person in this bigger story, and I am just standing here kind of in awe and yes, ready to hustle, and also, fearful of not honoring it all to its fullness.

That sounds cheesy, full of myself I suppose, but its truthful.

In any case. Are you ready to jump off this cliff June??? Let's see if you can fly................
We moved here two years ago this week! And now this spot is home...

my little flower bed by the mandarin tree, overlooking the ledge which will soon
house my kitchen garden of herbs and flowers and good things

20 Sloped Backyard Design Ideas
THIS is my inspiration picture....cant you imagine it?????? below is what we are currently dealing with....

clearcutting "weeds" to reveal the old terraces which will again be beautiful gardens...someday...

this chicken has claimed. we have named her sally. she leaves us eggs sometimes.


marking the occassion---my first time driving kids to school in my PJs

i discovered these plants growing all over are lilies!

these are a kind of tropical apple

i made these overalls for jack!!

giant guava from our tree

my office on the lanai

i did a pinterest thing

all this big stuff??? WE CAN DO IT

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