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Thursday, November 4, 2021

healing

Two steps forward one step back. 
That is what healing looks like some days.
And yea, sometimes its one step forward, two steps back. 
And yes, some days its "Can I please hide in bed and not talk to anyone and have no one talk to me??"

I read somewhere recently that healing from trauma can be done in the quietness of your own mind. Without needing to confront or be confronted, and that sometimes it just happens, on a subconscious level, without even real recognition that it's going on. Of course, go to therapy, talk it out, get support, do what feels good and right for you. But, I think it's interesting that like a physical wound an emotional wound, with time too, can surprise you. No, time doesn't heal all. It takes work. Etc Etc. But. I think what I am saying is that our mentally processing things and getting to a point of "okay" can happen without us really acknowledging it, and one day, you can be like, oh, shit, that doesn't bother me anymore. 

Like the other day, when I watched a show where a couple was bickering in front of their kids, and then some level of unfaithfulness occurred, and what was usually honestly triggering for me, well, it was okay. I could watch it as part of the plot of the show and move on. 

So here I am. The holidays bring this up for me. I know this. I have known this for a few years now. I am faced with family pictures in front of the tree and the whole who gets whom when thing and seeing my sisters and their families and so on and so forth. 

It's a lot. 

Some years I would be happy skipping to January. 

So I figure, make a plan.


My plan last year, this year too, is ultra hyper focus on the kids. Fun traditions. Etc Etc. 

Although right now that sounds exhausting. 

Who else is tired??

I have nothing. This post is a dud. 

Bottom line. 

Healing can happen. It is happening. And even when you can't feel some sort of cathartic energy of it having occurred, just know, trust, you ARE getting there.

And yea. We are tired. All of us. I know it's not just me, most likely, who wants to rent a cabin in the woods for two months until we are past the holidays (or hacienda by the beach??) 

But. We can do this.









Friday, October 1, 2021

45 things at 45


 

Here is a list of 45  important/unimportant things I am thinking about as I turn 45, in no particular order. 

1) How am I 45? 

2) 45 feels exactly like 35 except my kids are older, and I know a couple more things about myself and in general, and my joints hurt when the weather changes.

3) Does this mean 55 will be the same?

4) 50 is only five years away and that feels scary. Why?

5) My sisters are my best friends. I like that.

6) Good friends that you can stop by for cups of coffee after school drop off are like shiny golden coins in life. Find them and cling to them. (MISS HEATHER I LOVE YOU)

7) I am finding in my old age that certain things that piss me off make me feel antsy to do something about them. Not just read about them in the news and sigh. Right now I am pissed off about teenage girls of color shouldering so much responsibility in this new pandemic world and Afghan refugees not having anywhere to go. Law school? Maybe I should??

8) I can't stay up any later than midnight without feeling like a zombie the next day. This is different from even a year ago.

9) I also can barely drink anymore and never do. Weird.

10) I am finding in my old age also that I fucking love to swear and there is nothing better than a call with a colleague where you just let those mother fucking swears slide off your tongue together and everyone is cool with it. 

11) Teenagers are precious creatures. They need tender loving care like toddlers but you can't let them know you think that.

12) Self-belief is an actual skill that you can learn, just like piano or painting or mastering excel spreadsheets.

13) I love excel spreadsheets.

14) I can no longer eat ice cream. But it is delicious. SHIT.

15) I am also finding in my old age this incredible truth - the things that make you jealous are the things that you should pour your energy into accomplishing because it is your heart's way of telling you to DO THE DAMN THING.

16) Authors make me jealous. I need to write again. 

17) I am contemplating renting a convertible and going for a drive this weekend. Is this irresponsible of me? Discuss.

18) The things that divided us into groups of people in college and high school that seemed so very relevant are so irrelevant now. I am pretty sure if I saw anyone from high school or college days right now I would scream and hug them.

19) Maybe I need more friends??

20) I am ambiguous about dating. Ever again. I am happy being me. 

21) Grudges are not worth it. Even big ones. Even the biggest. Let that shit go. You will feel lighter.

22) Back to point 1) AM I REALLY 45??? HOW????

23) Letting people into your life to help you is a hard skill to learn, whether you hire them (therapists, HOUSECLEANERS) or friends and family. But you gotta learn. 

24) No matter how much you scrub at that spot on the kitchen counter it is not going to come out Sara. Let that shit go. You will feel lighter.

25) People with other political opinions are still people. Chill. In the end we want what is best for ourselves, our families, and our countries, where are the peacemakers at in policy??? SURELY WE CAN FIGURE SOME OF THIS HARD STUFF OUT FOLKS??? It's up to us, the citizens, to relearn how to have dialogue and move forward. And I firmly people teaching college and high school students how to converse and problem solve is the core solution to getting us out of this polarization we seem to swirl around in lately. End of political rant.

26) Maybe MAYBE I would date again if someone with a witty sense of humor and a stable sense of self and nice teeth approached me. 

27) There are no men with nice teeth above the age of 40 on dating apps. Prove me wrong.

28) I will probably delete those last two points before posting, then again, I bet half of my readers won't get this far.

29) I no longer enjoy pizza. 

30) If I was not a mother I would 100% go to Jordan and help manage operations at a refugee camp. I would kick ass at this job.

31) Getting up at 5am to have time to myself before the children wake up is just 100% not in my DNA make up. It is not possible. I would not enjoy this existence. And I am 100% ok with staying up until midnight instead to have this time. Haters gonna hate but having a morning hour to yourself is not necessary for life success and I resent all those who made me feel guilty for not being able to do this in my 30s.

32) It is okay to have certain people in your life that fit into certain categories of friendship. The friend you go to for parenting problems. The friend you go to for divorce processing. The friend you send silly texts to. Your healthy eating friend. Your kickass business buddy. They do not have to be the same person. And just because you can't confide in one person about your scary doctor appointment doesn't mean they aren't your friend. Different people for different areas of your life. This is okay.

33) Too much of marriage is trying to put all of those above people into one role - your spouse. It's not possible. And I wish more people talked about this.

34) I do not appreciate sleeping in tents. I have reconciled myself to this reality.

35) Being gracious with yourself is different than letting yourself off the hook. Sometimes you have to tough love yourself. 

36) If you have gotten this far you are a true June fan and I adore you.

37) It's okay to not be good at things. You can do them anyway. If you enjoy them. Or you can not do them. Let that shit go. 

38) Boundaries are essential in every part of your life. Your work day. Your relationships. Your friendships. Your own self care. This is what they should teach teenagers. Not algebra. 

39) I love buying hand towels and throw pillows. Why.

40) I feel sad about the me I was in some respects 10 years ago. 35 yr old me was so hard on herself. So demanding. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her its okay and by 45 things were going to be so much better and lighter and more fulfilling. But I wonder if 35 yr old me would judge 45 yr old me. Probably. She didn't believe in divorce, as she often used to say. She didn't believe in herself either. She tried. But deep down she didn't. Poor honey. If this is you reading this now. Hugs. And keep going. And believe. 

41) Fake it till you make it is a real thing. You can trick yourself into believing you can do something and if you keep doing it over and over you will actually get good at doing the thing! I am not kidding about this. 

42) The majority of adults, no matter how successful they appear, feel like this. They are just winging it. Trying to figure out life. When you realize this it makes you a, feel better about yourself and your own little efforts and b, kinder to the world of fakers around you. WE ARE ALL JUST DOING OUR BEST.

43) Pressure is on. Almost at the end of the list. Need to think of something truly awesome I am thinking about to round this thing up.

44) I need more coffee. Not inspiring. Try again Sara.

45) In the end of it all, when you close your eyes, breathe in the hair of your swiftly growing children, hug their bony gangly frames that used to be chubby and dimpled, and look at the life you have built around you it is ALL SO GODDAM GOOD. And you should be proud. And keep on keeping on.

Much love all.

Sara/June

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

that moment

Getting real today, poor June. 

I felt the need to write the moment, share this picture, because I want to 1) let it go - like a seeping wound that needs air - and 2) spur our conversations around living in authenticity. 

So here, it is, my moment. 

This moment, my crater moment, happened not far from an actual crater - a volcanic one, upon which our coffee farm was clinging to the side of the volcanic rock. It might have all tumbled into the ocean in that moment because everything I thought was real and true was swept out from underneath me. 

Well. Almost everything.

But, it turns out, the things that were still there. My kids. My sense of urgent purpose (gotta get us back on our feet!). And my parents and siblings. They were all I needed to climb out of that crater and find solid ground again. 



The image above is one that I have never shared. My last night on my little hillside farm. I took it because I wanted to remember her. That Sara. Her eyes are so sad. So confused. Hurt. Betrayed. But, freaking determined. 

Have you had this moment?

This make or break sensation of, like Eminem says “Success is the only m-f-er option, failure's not."

This is what I am talking about. 

And here is the thing, and read closely. WE ALL HAVE THESE MOMENTS. They might be monumental, like mine, an undoing of so much, or they might be a subtle shift in the ground under you that changes everything. 

Some of us endure these moments quietly, push them away, or stagger with the change and keep on with appearances. Others of us run in fear. And some, surrounded by cheerleaders, might be able to use these moments to catapult into the next great thing. 

So, what are you going to do?

Are you listening to the tremors in your life that are telling you “Find the next thing. Do that thing you have always wanted to do. You can!” 

Listen. Tune in. Because the crater isn't where we were meant to live. It's where we release and let go and become alive!

Here is the deal. I know what it is like. My next venture, this course and community "Claim Your Revolution" is to invite others into this journey.

My June people. We diapered our babies together. And now, likely, so many years later, we are sending the last of our babies off to school and wondering, what is next. Do you feel the shifting ground??

What are you gonna do about it?????????????????


 

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

back to it

Is it just me (I know it isn't) or is this school year start just ridiculously weird??

Last year was pandemic-ness and unknown and make it work. 

(We homeschooled.)

This year just feels....off. Like it should be normal, but, heck, it's not. It feels unsettling. 

I think I have no normal anymore. Do any of us? That is really it. Today after picking my kid up from school and hearing stories of this and that I was like, to heck with that, and rolled up to her brother's Montessori school to pick him up, and hey, let's enroll you too.

There is no normal. 

There just is. Each day. 

Maybe I crave routine? Tomorrow that is my task. A play by play of my day so I feel more...settled? Even if it changes next week? I am going to write it all out on my weekly planner that has turned into a scratch pad for random notes on work calls. 

GAAAAAHHHHHH.

I don't know. I feel out of my skin lately. And yes, I am still taking the dear sweet Lexapro, HA. It's not really anxiety per se. A sense of foreboding? No. Not really that. I don't know. In the past September was all about Get Shit Done. Routine. Rhythm. Putting away the garden. Canning. Starting new projects. 

This September just feels like.....HUH? 

I don't know. Anybody else feeling this sense of unknowing? 

FYI. Little man, who is now 6'1, gave me a report of each of his teachers, written down, and their grasp of classroom shenanigans and engagement in the topic and then tells me he found a group of kids to sit with - "less friends and more just a social buffer" - and OMG who are these little people???

Maybe I need to can some pickles, for old times, sake. Make some sourdough. Or homemade laundry soap. HAHAHAHA. That was funny that I did that. 

In any case. Where are you settling in to this weird-ass September??




Monday, August 23, 2021

living YOUR best life

So I just wrote about this on Insta - Do you say Insta? All the kids do, so, why not, ha.

But this is the thing. 

It is EXHAUSTING sometimes to try and be the person everyone says you should be to live your "best life" ESPECIALLY the folks on Insta. 

I am tired. Tired of the pressure. Fuck it. It makes me want to swear. It's all the pressure from the June days, still, in a new form. Instead of baking bread and canning my own pickles I am trying to actualize my life by having a morning routine that includes yoga and deep breathing and visualizing my success and my top three goals for the day and....etc. etc. etc. 

Listen. None of this is easy. 

Mothering. Healing. Juggling. Balancing. Self care. Productivity. Flourishing. Acceptance. Boundaries. Me time. Self love. 

I mean. There is SO MUCH that we are supposed to be thinking about. It’s exhausting, trying to be a woman, a single mom, a business owner. We are told so many things must command our attention. 

Have your morning routine! They tell us. What about a chore chart? They suggest. Did you try using Asana? How about yoga? Do you have a good daily planner? Are you getting up an hour before the kids? You should journal daily. Are you eating clean? 

Just. I CANT ANYMORE.

So many well intentioned yet impossible to implement it all ideas. 

PLEASE. I AM TRYING. 

In any case. 

What do we do? What do you do? When all of those you-should-just-try I-really-should-do feelings start surfacing??? Me? I get cranky.

But. I am rocking a new mom hair cut. (I realize I am following Robin Wrights progression of hair cuts, by the way. Although she never did do dreads. HA. Long Princess Bride hair, and now, mid-40s Robin Wright hair. Next is 50s House of Cards hair.) And the dog ate my glasses SO I GET TO BUY NEW ONES ha. (no seriously ATE them, like crunched the glass) 

And. You know what? We can do this. Folks. Folks. We can. 

And sometimes we have to put it all down. Grab the dog and the kids and go hike by the river. 

Because only YOU know your life, your rhythm, what works for you. And all those ideas are well and good but DONT let your idea of living this perfectly productive organized life get in the way of you living YOUR life. You know?? 

Onward! 
















(When your baby is tired, even if he is five, you tie two shirts around your body and create a baby carrier and get the job done. 💪 )

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

new self/old self

Hey folks. 

It's me. June/Sara.

It's been so long. But, I'm gonna tell you about it, most of the everythings anyway, but just to get this out. I MISS WRITING. These pages that are so simple "title" "text" "image" "PUBLISH" have a way of letting me get things out I didn't know were inside of me. Or things that I knew I needed to say but didn't know how to say. And now, well. That is the story.

See, when it all went down, eons ago, but really only 3 years ago, something inside of me wouldn't allow me to write. Not here. Not at all. I tried numerous times to pick up old writing projects, blog here, write there. But I couldn't. I had some kind of clog inside of me. Oh, I am too busy, that is all, I told myself. 

And of course, I was. And am. But it was more than that, more than "it's not a writing time of life for you Sara."

It was wounds. Writing has a way of opening your soul. You writers out there know what I am talking about. The wall collapses. The windows open. Our fingers fly quicker than our thoughts and suddenly things come out that we weren't prepared for, not ready to see. Or, in good times, things that amaze and thrill us. MY GOD THAT CAME OUT OF MY HEAD. I have had that moment many times writing. It is my thing. Call it a gift, whatever. But, for now three years, it's been stuck. I couldn't chance those things to come out on the page, unknowingly, I didn't want to see them. Couldn't bear to look at this blog with references to dada sprinkled everywhere. He is a different person to me now. My children's dad. And that is weird to get over. 

But. My God. I think I can write again.

Why? 

Acceptance. Maybe? So says therapy lady. Accept what is, not what you thought would be, what you thought WAS, just accept the way it is now. 

And so I do. 

And you know what? That makes the typing of the unfettered thoughts coming out way less scary. 

I was numb to it all. For a couple years there. I couldn't see it, just moving forward, only forward. Which is, of course a good direction to go (hahaha) but, it was at the expense of me stilling my mind, and listening to the wounded former wife inside. 

So, now, every now and then, I listen. And I know her hurts, and I know she is angry, and feels ripped off, but God almighty she is a rocking freaking queen. BUSINESS BUILT UP. IN THE MIDDLE OF A FRIGGING PANDEMIC. NEW BUSINESS LAUNCHED. AMAZING FRIENDS. HOUSE. PUPPY. Girlfriend, wounded former wife, you can glow again. 

Sometimes we gotta talk to ourselves like that you know, the third person, because our rational selves move along with pizza night and tennis lessons and back to school shopping and etc with nary a thought to it all. It is easier sometimes, when we start acclimating to former pain (and yes, its former, wowzah, I wrote that) in any case, sometimes it is easier to acknowledge that former pain in the third person. I know that hurt Sara. I know you feel belittled and torn up and betrayed. But. It's gonna be okay.

MORE THAN OKAY.

I can't tell you all. Too much detail of course isn't meant for public spaces, but, the things I am learning about myself, about recovery from trauma, I CAN TELL AND BY GOLLY I WILL.

So. 

That is that.

About myself. I am a pretty trusting extrovert who has lots of great ideas and is, at 44 years old, quite capable of putting them out into the world. 

Wounded self. Doubts and fears and has a tiny touch of self loathing.

Myself. Joined a boxing club. Eats dinner in restaurants alone. Launched a new amazing course for women going through a mid-life pivot (be it career or what have you) and is pretty free and trusting of her kids in mothering. So much more.

But wounded self. Watches hours of Netflix, still has trouble setting appropriate boundaries, says yes, too easily, can't sleep at night.

Myself though. She is winning the day. 

And she is back. June is here still. She now orders pizza on Wednesday nights and gives unfettered access to devices and buys clothes instead of making them. But she is also creatively pursuing the flourishing life she envisions. And she is pretty damn amazing.

Rock on mamas.

I missed you.








  

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