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Thursday, May 11, 2017

check in and thoughts on motherhood as mothers day approaches

Its been almost 6 weeks since I have posted???? Bad mommy blogger BAD.

Lord have mercy.

Life has been crazy.

Somehow I am juggling it all (with dada extra-ordinaire taking his swing at the primary caretaker bat half the day) although round about Thursday each week (today) I think "hmmmm, I am going to have a meltdown/breakdown" and I start to cry and say I cannot do this anymore.

And then, I do what all mommies do round about Thursday when they meltdown/breakdown and cry and say they cannot do it anymore.

We get up.

We do some dishes.

We eat copious amounts of chocolate.

Make some tea.

Call our moms and cry.

And then we freaking just do it.

Because it needs done. All of it. The doings out of the house. The doings in the house. The laundry. The school plays. The staff meetings. The tough conversations. The preparing of lectures for class. The midnight feedings. The sweeping of the floor. The settling of sibling fights. The grading papers. The finding of missing shoes. The pulling of the toddler baby guy off the table for the thousandth time.

Over and over. All the doings.

We do them.

Because we are mamas. And we are amazing. And somehow even when we cry and say we cannot do it, we still do it, because that is what we do.

And I know, dear sisters, that some day, sooner rather than later, we are going to look around, and see no more toddlers, no more siblings fighting, no more crumbs to sweep up, no more school plays, and we will miss it all.

Good God, we will miss it.

So for now. I am trying so hard to love into these little beings. Even as the outside pressures cave in on my mothering time. I squeeze my now five foot tall ten year old (FIVE FEET TALL! And the other day I bought him HAIR GEL - that he adorably pronounces "Gell" with a hard "G" sometimes - PER HIS REQUEST, and he uses it now EVERY DAY.... WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING TO MY BABY BOY???) and I walk with my arm around him in public, and he nuzzles me back, happy to be next to me, and I squeeze baby boy as he kisses me on the cheek and says "Mama, I ove oo!" and my Green Girl asks me to braid her hair, and I say but of course, and Little Miss declares her need for a hug and I cuddle her and smell her sunshine-y hair and ....

GOSH DARNIT (insert swears from my head here) I AM A LUCKY MAMA.

And yes, lady at the check out, there are four of them. Right? A TON OF KIDS???? (Sarcasm, dear reader.)  But to me, I look at them feeling confused by these comments. Because they are not just a "lots of kids" they are four amazingly awesome people, some of them quite small and still in need of nose/butt wipes yes, but. But, nonetheless, little people. And they are my people. And they are worth it. So avert your eyes if the size of my brood dismays and/or confuses you.

Because I am their mama.

And even in the craziness of this current season (IS IT SUMMER YET?????) I am so proud/lucky/privileged/amazed, that I am theirs.



Kisses and Hugs.
Busy, Crazy, Absent, but-not-yet-falling-apart-GOSH-DARNIT, JUNE

our volanco, Hualalai

this face pretty much is "mom put me in a yellow sweater jumpsuit because
it was my brothers and she is feeling nostalgic but it is really hot and i
dont want it on but i do REALLY REALLY WANT THAT CAMERA MOM!"

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

in which i share with you the joy/torture of camping with four kids but the gorgeousness of this island with lots of pictures

How is that for a title?

Moving right along...

The kids were on spring break this past week. 1) I love them and miss homeschooling. 2) I can't wait for them to get back to school.

Both of these things are equally true. Which is crazy. But true.

So, with work and lots on our plates we took two days and drove to the other side of the island, something we have not yet done since living here because 1) baby hated the car until recently and 2) see number one.

This island is gorgeous. No truly. And we live in a hot dusty dry little corner of it. But up into the mountains/volcanoes and past it is lush and green and so so beautiful and cool is beautiful here too but the land surrounding our town is semi-arid. Hot, so hot, and lots of lava rock. Up just 1,000 feet (where the kids go to school) it is totally different though, just a short drive away (where we want to buy our someday farm!) but for now. Hot dry lava rock town. So seeing other parts of this island was just, well, spirit lifting.

We camped. Which, you know, by the ocean all picturesque and such. But crashing waves all night seriously can mess with your ability to sleep (I dreamt of tsunamis and being swept away) not to mention the jungle looming in on all sides (beautiful in the day, slightly freaky at night.) I literally slept all of 3 hours, maybe less.

OTHERWISE. It was so good to be away with our little crew. Baby napped on the go like the champ that he is. The kids even left behind the ipads. Guys, MY PHONE DIDNT WORK FOR 24 HOURS (out of service range!) AND I SURVIVED.

It was really good.

So here are some photos of this lovely place...ENJOY!

i stayed in this campground with some friends when i lived on the island at 18.
i almost cried taking my kids swimming here. hiking up the waterfall with jack.
so crazy. was that really me that did that? and yet it seems like yesterday...

just look at this campground spot!!

omg. see this baby's curls???

this is where we camped....

amazing to see them hanging out and giggling. i am so happy for the friends they are becoming...

i need to paint this one...

Monday, March 20, 2017

crafting momento bracelets out of baby necklaces

For approximately 22 minutes, whilst baby napped today, I reclaimed my crafty Sara/June side and made bracelets for myself.

For myself.

Do you hear me??

For. My. Self.

And I'm so so happy at how they turned out.


This is it folks. I have found my calling.

No, but seriously. Look at these.

Oh my gosh. I took beads from the kids old amber teething necklaces and strung them with wooden beads from a broken bracelet. AMAZING RIGHT?? One bead for each one of my babies, plus one bead from dadas necklace (yes, he had one too) that broke years ago.

I'm seriously in love.

I also restrung a jade bead bracelet that I bought when I was 14 and visiting a friend in San Francisco. And then another one that was a souvenir from a family vacation in Monterey Bay when I was 16. I keep things. HA.

SERIOUSLY. These bracelets make me so happy. Why didn't I do this years ago??

I've got a few more to do too. Beads from when I lived in Brazil (hand carved out of coconut) and wooden beads from Malaysia.

Okay. So thats my crafty idea for the year. HAHA. Stay tuned for my next crafty session in Spring 2018. HA

Sunday, March 19, 2017

one year

This baby.

A week ago.

One year old.

I just. I just can't even.

He is gorgeous. So tiring. Funny. Sweet. Tenacious (where oh where does he get that from?) He is non stop joy. Also non stop action.

And here he is. One year old. In all his blue-eyed glory.

What a busy year it has been. Meetings and traveling. Three different living situations. More meetings. Nursing in the ergo, WHILE in meetings, and while teaching for that matter.

I woke up, the night before he turned one, rolled over and saw him asleep next to me and, kid you not, starting sobbing. The year. That precious first year. Is over. And I, I was in so many meetings, and was so stressed out, and it was so hard moving here, and maybe I missed it, maybe I didnt drink in enough of his baby sighs, his coos, his gurgles. And I wanted to give him the perfect year, and I want him to have the perfect house to live in and a settled happy farm life childhood and what if I screw it up? What if we can't give him all that? And now he is so big, and (I sobbed this at husband through tears - of course I woke him up to sob) and soon he will be five years old and arguing with me about having candy before dinner and I just can't even.

And I have no answer. No wise words. Except that I love him, so dearly, but I know, from the third baby experience, that drinking in baby's coos and gurgles to an extreme - feeling that was ALL I was supposed to do, ALL I was supposed to be - pushed me into a dark place, a place that I dont want to go again, a place that does NOT help me be the best mother I can be.

So. This time around it has been different. And the guilt is still there, the questions. Am I enough, doing enough, loving enough, noticing enough. And then there are three more little bodies to care for, listen to, talk with, and it is so so different. And I am older, more knowing of how quickly it goes by, how precious the days are.

So yes.

I drink in the moments. I push the frontiers out, of what my mothering experience is, how I do it, as it were. And I look at him, at his ten year old big brother sitting next to me, and I think. Probably, most likely, from all evidence thus far, I actually am doing okay-ish at this gig - this world of motherhood.

Probably. All evidence points to "okayish!"

And ten year old creates play lists on Spotify, picking "jams" I do in fact heartily agree with in terms of musical jam quality, and I think. Yes, then. Okayish.

And I am good with that.

opening birthday presents. no matter. mom has that camera thing. I LOVE THAT THING

mom i want that thing

i am super cuuuuuuute. GIVE IT TO ME.

i am coming. TO GET IT.


i just. cant. even. the cuteness. i die.


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