About the school thing.
That isn't right.
I'm not like, give me another cup of coffee and I'll make it fine, tired.
I am weary.
Like, carrying too much, too many things to do, too many lists in my head, too much of everything, infant and kindergartener and big kid coffee wont touch it weary.
But here is the thing. That is just half of it. This isnt about me feeling "burnt out" I wont even use that phrase. Because we are doing this for them too. I want them to have the good stuff. The field trips and extra classes. Friends. Teachers who invest in them. They know how much we love and value them. I want them to feel this from other adults too. To have this input into their lives. To be around other kids who are different than them.
But it will be hard.
Because I love being by my kids, I will miss the daily of our old routine so so much. I will cry about it, I am sure. I will miss knowing every detail of their day (but also NOT miss it. HAHA)
But that is just the thing. That was our old routine.
It isn't where we are now.
I have meetings and conference calls, conferences even, and I am trying to do all these "good things" and I feel like, well, I wasnt giving my best to our homeschool. I know I could do better and every day, when I didn't do "the best" I knew I could do, I felt horrendously crabby. And then I snapped, taking my guilt out my kids.
Here is the thing a very smart mentor lady here told me. I want to be a parent to my kids, not their teacher.
I can do both roles, I mean, I could. but now, all my best highest intentions have devolved into two roles, mediocre teacher, and crabby mom. And if I can be one I choose mom. Fun, happy, crafting, cookie-baking, project-doing, trip-taking mom. And yes, we will learn together and we will discover things, but I can do that as fun mom role, not cracking the books teacher role.
We will come back to our home schooling journey, definitely. We love the ease of it, the flow of it, the togetherness of it. We will pack up our books, load up the kindles, probably just next year, and hit the road with four kids. Mexico! Then England! Who knows...
But for this year, we need more structure. I need more support. Our kids also need it too, for a year, I think. Friends. Activities. A connection to this very different place we now call home. Our new school teaches ukulele (!) hula (!) Hawaiian (!) and sustainable agriculture! And it is Waldorf-y!
So I am going to do this teaching, book writing, baby tending, mommying year. Just not the homeschooler part. (Though you can bet your bottom dollar I am going to end up on the PTA by the end of the year HAHAHA)
I have many more things to say about this transition coming up but its all too swirly right now.
So I am trying to get this vision of our new normal into my head. Packing lunches. Out the door by 7:45am (literally one of the most stressful things to think about!) Dropping the kids off at school. Going to my office. Writing on my book. Working on my teaching materials. Baby in the play pen next to me. Sipping iced coffee. Pick up Little Green at noon, go to lunch, run errands together, home for a bit, then pick up the big kids. Homework (!!??) play time, dinner out of the crock pot (or take out!?) Play outside. Books. Bed
Stay tuned for a variety of whirlwind emotions. HA HA.
|not sure how this relates except perhaps...the sun is setting on my homeschool days...|