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Tuesday, February 19, 2019

on horizons and fear

It's funny when you are driving, focused on the road and the bend and that car on your left, you lose sense of your surroundings. The horizon becomes blurred. The clouds, the trees, the buildings, you lose sight of the big picture. Especially city driving, right? Pedestrians and snow plows and all the traffic and noise. You can't look at the sunset or the slant of light in the trees.

You just drive.

There is something nice about this of course.

Just drive. The road. The cars. The turns. Keep going.

I have been driving a lot lately. I commute to the city twice a week to teach. It is one hour each way. When its sunny and the roads are clear its actually nice. For all the above reasons. My mind has something to focus on. No real wandering. In the snow though. Damn. It is BRUTAL. It took me THREE HOURS to get home one day. THREE HOURS. I nearly had a heart attack. The wind was blowing the snow so hard I couldn't see anything.

But. I survived.

That is what we do right?

We survive.

So I feel like this is my life lately. I have been driving for a year. Turn signals. Roads. Pedestrians. Snow plows. Throwing the occasional bag of fruit snacks to the kids in the bag seat. Always something to focus on. Very little time for my mind to wander. To consider the horizon.

And then. You get to your destination. Or maybe a potty break. HAHAHA. And you get out of your car and you stretch and you look around and breathe in the fresh air and you are like DAMN WHERE AM I?

This is basically me this month.


Disorienting as hell.

Freeing too.


Mostly weird.

I am still stretching my muscles. Testing them. Everything works? Legs? Check. Arms? Check. Heart? Still pounding. Lungs? Deep breath. All is well there too.

And now. NOW. I am contemplating a step. Where do I walk to? What now?

So then I get all freaked out and I get back in my car and I circle the block and listen to podcasts and that one song blasting.

Then I park. I stop the car. I get out.

Stretch. Testing each step.

Okay. I am here.

I think I need to be out of the car now. Maybe? I don't know? Or I could keep driving? Where am I going again? Where am I? Who am I?

Sometimes though it is good to say all this out loud.

When you have been on a long car ride without a destination you can feel rather disoriented. Directionless. But that kind of confusion is often just freedom. Freedom. I mean. That is different. But often just as scary.

So. I bought myself some prescription sunglasses. Only noteworthy because I have wanted them for YEARS but just now can afford them. So here I am. Driving. Breathing the fresh air at each stop.  And squinting less at the horizon, in the bright sunshine of my new life.

Ride on mamas. And then get out and stretch your legs. Life is really damn good.


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