And we made it through school work today, without too much drama and whining. And I should feel good about it.
But instead I feel guilty. Because I am still lingering on how awful yesterday was.
So this is it, I suck at juggling. And right now I am. Supportive business launching wife. Homeschooling mom. Board member and international attempter of projects. Book writer. And now, development consultant, again, with big projects looming. And I can do all of these things. Somewhat. But, perfectionist that I am I hate to be half-assed at any.
Then I get hard on myself.
Then I get crabby at everyone else.
Then I feel guilty.
Then I get up, tell myself all the positive gobbledy gook that I can muster.
Then I do better. Which lasts until lunchtime.
It is 12:50 as I type.
And I am feeling grumpy.
But why, Sara? Good grief! Happy family. Nice dada. Cute house. Land. Garden. A meaningful way to help people and earn money.
I am tired.
I could sleep right now. Little Green has been waking up at night - growing pains? Turning three pains? Not sure.
I could sleep all day.
Join a gym, Sara! Yes I know. Then its another thing I need to do. Another thing I wont do. Another thing to feel guilty about not doing.
Take some supplements Sara! Yes I know. Cod Liver Oil in the fridge. Magnesium drink supplements. Extra Vitamin D.
So I tell dada. About that retreat.....Yea. I need that. Maybe two this fall, in fact.
I have got to wrap my brain around the now. Turning....the age I am about to turn... Not quite the big age but near to it. And like, suddenly, OH, I will not - likely - get recruited by the CIA. Or live in a foreign city and sip coffee at cafes every morning on my way to enlightening work all day with inspiring people. Or learn to be a concert violinist. And the above list of things I AM trying to do seems hopelessly too much. One cant be a part time successful author whilst launching nonprofits and homeschooling and milking goats every morning at the crack of dawn, can one?
One could, I reckon, if one never slept.
So do I pick? Let things go? Am I clinging too tight to this list of things that will happily see me into my 40s? If only X, Y, Z, THEN I can turn 40 in peace.
That might be it, in fact. This crabby looming feeling in my gut.
I need to let go. Let it happen if it should. If it will. Pursue, with wild abandon - as one might say poetically - but not letting it define ME as successful or not.
This is what I came here to write to myself.
This idea of "success," that so destroys the middle aged (approaching) mother.
Do I love?
Am I loved?
Do I try to do good?
Do my children witness that struggle?
Do I smile more than scowl?
These are the important questions to dwell on.
Little man has been struggling lately. Turning eight? Feeling under the weather? Something. He sees my stress, I know.
"Mom," he says as I yell at the girls to come eat their dinner "Are you happy?"
I look over in exasperation. At the moment, NO!
But his eyes are filling with tears. "Can you be happy?"
I sigh. Guilt shooting like daggers into my heart. Oh buddy. SO much happy. For you. And your sisters. You are my happy thought! You are the reason I can fly!
But I just sit next to him, hold his hand, eat our dinner together as the girls run like wild animals.
Success. Is that success? Letting my stress eat into him? And, I SUCK. I think to myself.
But no. He is seeing struggle. Learning up close and personal what it means to be human. To have goals, to have dreams. To be disappointed. To be overwhelmed, but to keep at it.
But I want him to see happy too. Contentment.
This is success. Maybe. This balance. This is what I need.
And that letting go. That, giving it your best shot, but not letting the yes or no of fate determine the smile or scowl on my face each day. That doing of what needs to be done - the sink full of dishes, the pairing of socks, the writing for a client - doing it and doing it well, because its the task at hand. Because it is life. The tedious. The glorious. The everyday. What better lesson to teach them?
Okay so, whether you read all that or not -that was a lot - I needed to write that to myself. So thanks for letting me let it out.
And I hope that maybe it said something to you too, on this brilliant Thursday afternoon.
I think I need to bake some brownies now.
Here are pictures of my latest post-worthy school moment. Teaching the kids to sew. Good grief that made me happy to see them stitching away.
Okay. Brownies. But maybe first I will force the kids to unglue from iPad and get out into the sunshine with me.
|the buttons on his branches represent the seasons - his idea - |
with the fifth one being the time between summer and fall :)