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Tuesday, July 14, 2020

July blues

Folks. Folks. Folks.

What a past few months, huh?

SO. Not only COVID and etc. The roller coaster of emotions and worry and euphoria but...then we had the George Floyd murder, right in the neighborhood of one of my nonprofit clients, and everything felt/feels so big and....big...

And here I am. Sitting in my living room, fan on, coffee by my side, once again contemplating homeschool because the thought of managing four children in distance learning programs next fall makes me want to scream, silently, inside my own head, whilst bugging out my eyeballs, and making faces at the world.

Do you catch that BIG BIG FEELING?

I just can't. Its July and I am already despondent about fall choices.

But you have to stay positive! For your kids! For the good of society!

But. But. But.


Honestly I am sitting here on the couch with my coffee ready to cry. My parents are on a two week vacation. My dryer isn't working and I don't want to call my landlord. Ugh. So I suppose I am writing myself out of a funk right now. Or trying to. LUCKY YOU.

I also am trying to buy a house. Folks. Trying to buy a house is like the worst. I mean. The decisions. And the thought of writing a check that big. The thought of making choices that will impact us and our relationships and so on. How does one do that? That kind of choice? I have been in constant transition for so long now. So long. Five years really. Life was turned topsy turvy with Hawaii move and then topsy turvy with divorce. And now I think I don't know how to face transition anymore. Its like this ugly beast and I just want to hide in my tiny rental house and work and not make any decisions. But tiny rental house. COVID lockdown once again looming (do you think it'll happen again? I am just imagining winter in this house with homeschool and four kids and OMG I need a bigger house.)  Okay. I don't feel any better. Shoot.


And for some reason I thought this was a perfect time of life to engage in a doctorate program. So. There's that. Why did I think that? Because I am dumb, that's why. I got a B+ on my first paper. I started crying. I actually emailed the professor in shock, like some whiney entitled 19 year old. HA HA HA. Oh Lord. Save me. I ONLY GET As! UNACCEPTABLE. Good grief, I am ridiculous.


But Child A, who is now taller than I by several inches, my little man, so big, just made more coffee. Children B and C are upstairs playing American Girl dolls, and Child D is at summer play school for the morning (outside, only a few children, temps taken every day and etc.) And I have house options, and the wherewithal (can you tell I am back in school, using that word, HAHA) to actually buy a house, which just blows my mind. And work is steady. And my kids are healthy and happy.

And things will work out. I mean right? They will. Right?

Still. The BIG FEELINGS seem to blow me away. 2am. Staring at my ceiling fan. Clutching my pillow. Just SO FULL OF BIG FEELINGS.

So that is where I am at. July blues. You?


  1. Girl I can relate to so much of this. Contemplating homeschool too but man how do I do that and work on y own business? Im so impressed with you and all you do and the strength and dignity you have come through all of this. I can't wait to see the perfect house that the Lord provides for you! You are a rockstar!!!!


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