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Monday, October 17, 2011

on a sunny monday

On a sunny Monday, anything is possible.

The weekend left me feeling fairly rested. I have already done the dishes (dont laugh, a big accomplishment these days-with no dishwasher mind you). I have meals planned out until Wednesday, and marked up on my little white board.

The baby is sleeping in her little bed. The big kids are watching a movie.

So I pour a big mug of tea and blog about how accomplished I feel. HA.
look at that little face!
But I do feel accomplished. It doesnt take much these days.

Can I be honest with you? This three kid thing is throwing me for a loop. I thought, baby in sling, get on with life. But I am tired. Always. We have thrush. Which hurts and makes baby even more fussy. (Not as fussy as little man, not as easy as little miss...) Somehow all the help has come and gone. Grateful for the help. Overwhelmed with the weeks looming ahead of me, until I figure this out. Did I mention being tired?

I also threw a huge pity party for myself one day last week over how I would never get a career figured out. All that grad school debt for nothing, poor me! And feeling insanely jealous of friends posting status updates from all over the globe, doing great work, while I sit here, squirting milk all over the place, shoving food in my mouth like a wild woman, wondering if I will ever fit into my old clothes, let alone have a reason to wear them. (I just reread my own post I linked to up there and it made me cry. Damn hormones. Are you ever astounded at what good advice you can give to yourself?)

This has turned into a whiney post.

Sorry. It wasnt supposed to be.

That is right, I forgot, I am feeling accomplished! And I am. But I have drastically lowered my standards. Which is what is required to feel accomplished, post baby. I only yelled at little man once this morning (ummm, he tossed a full cup of water at little miss because she put grapes in his cup...) Not bad. And he, despite a bad case of the grumpies, has only had one time out (after the grape water incident). Doing the dishes and de-boning a chicken (putting aside enough meat for tonight and two other meals!) were my achievements in the kitchen.

I was even fully dressed by 9:30am.

Wow-wee Sara! Dang girl. You are GOOD.

It is a hard balance between making it work and trying to be my former get-it-done self. One itty bitty step at a time I guess.

It is hard for me to lower my standards. Seriously. Maybe because my whole sense of accomplishment is wrapped up in this little house and its contents? Meals cooked, bread baked, how clean the floors are, how happy the kids are, how organized the damn playroom is. It seems ridiculous written out but that is what I DO. When I feel like I am not doing it well, well, it sucks. I like doing things well. I have that frustrating trait of being a perfectionist, albeit a lazy one. I like getting it all done and doing it well. Letting go of things that seem silly (such as the organized playroom) is exceedingly difficult for me. But I am learning. For sanity's sake. Close the playroom door. Keep the baby fed, the kids happy (and fed too, HA). That is enough.

And so the kids watch too much TV. And my Work In Progress goes untouched (and most likely unsubmitted). And my kitchen floor stays unswept for too long. But, but, but...I did do the dishes. And the sun is shining. And I have this round little sleepy baby face staring at me that I want to gobble up. And careers can wait. The floor can wait. This is good, now.


  1. Hey! I was thinking of you guys yesterday. I have a bunch of turkey chili that I made yesterday and wanted to bring some over to you. It's frozen so you can eat it whenever. That is if you like chili. If you don't then no worries. I know it's totally not the same because I am a nanny and you're an actual 24/7 mom, but I do feel your pain. The two babes I take care of are a mere 12 months apart (4 months and 16 months currently), and I have actually left work crying before. Makes me wonder if I will ever be able to have my own someday. Right now I am thinking more towards no. Ha! You seem to be handling it like a rockstar, though. De-boning a chicken? I have never even attempted that before! Good for you!

  2. As always, love reading your posts... even moreso with the beautiful photos of your precious new bumkin. Just a thought--you are no worse for the wear for thinking that you would have this whole mother-of-three thing down pat...would your pregnancy have been improved by sitting around thinking, "Holy schnikes, I'm going to have 3 kids to mother all at the SAME TIME."??? So, give yourself a big break, because from the sounds of things, you are doing very well. A little bit more TV won't kill 'em. You hang in there, you ARE accomplished.

  3. Oh gosh! I missed the last post. You're doing great. You're competent and wonderful and this is so worth it and I so know how you can't feel that.

    I have to tell you that #3 KICKED MY ASS! One to two children was such a breeze that I think I had unrealistic expectations. Plus the season, plus the hard-on-my-body birth. In retrospect, I clearly had ppd. Not saying you do, just that I did and couldn't see it. I felt overwhelmed ALL THE TIME. I was five months post partum before I started feeling like myself.

    In retrospect, I think vitamin d and maybe placental encapsulation might have helped.

    Please email me if you want to talk. I feel like we're having some very similar experiences.

  4. When my kiddo was a baby -- and I only had ONE, mind you -- a friend gave me some valuable advice. She said, "A day is good when everyone is alive at the end. A day is great when you've gotten outside, listened to some music, and read a book together." Those became our goals in the blurry, isolated first days of kiddo's new life: 1) Stay Alive! and 2) If possible, breathe some fresh air, groove to a little music, and read a board book or two (or heck, a magazine out loud, if the fancy struck me). Motherhood boils life down to its most basic parts. While it can feel like a curse, it is also a blessing.

    You're an amazing mama & your kids are lucky you care so much. Hang in there -- these days are fleeting.

  5. thanks all...we will figure it out...eventually :)

    lauren - never would say no to chili ;) yes please!


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