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Sunday, December 1, 2013

in which i make a tomten and confess that i have holiday anxiety

How is that for a title?? HA.

This is one of those brutally honest posts. No happy mommy holiday gaiety.

Because, I feel it creeping in again, the grey days weighing on me, pushing my brain down, my heart too, so heavy, I feel like I need a light switch from somewhere, as little miss says driving home in  the twilight from Grandma's house, "Where is the sun mama? Someone needs to turn the lights back on!"

And I can feel, as I wallow around at my mom's house, surrounded by my laughing family, me glowering in the corner, that I need to PULL MY SHIT TOGETHER.

And I look at my Pinterest plans for the holidays and I feel like swearing.

FUCK. I have NO energy for that.

And yes. That is where I am, again.

And Saturday at home, I get out the Christmas boxes and my Thanksgiving stuffed and overstimulated children are not interested in unwrapping the treasures in the beat up boxes that I dragged and dropped, cursing like a sailor, from the top of the garage storage shelves.

And I pull the nativities out, the kid-friendly ones made of wood, the plastic molded one, and baby begins to coo over the baby Jesus figures. The plastic one, the wood one, the sock stuffed snowman baby from years ago (remember that one?) and she tucks them up together, softly talking about Mary and her baby, hardly knowing the great old story.

And at dinner I have started lighting candles again, and I think, I need to focus in, ignore the grey, both inside and outside, and look at the bright light reflected in the face of my little people. This light, this is the light that carries, this light of love.

And we have this little tomten book. And it is so sweet. A tomten being a gnome of Swedish tradition that guards farms. And we have a farm, kinda, and we are Swedish, kinda. And so, yesterday, I say, let us pull our minds from this grey, and let us craft.

And little man was the most interested, to which I was most grateful, even if his interest was feigned. (He is curled up next to me now, reading a Ninjago book, like a cat, and I could just squeeze the heck out of him and smother him with kisses.)

And I cussed and swore (internally) when it did not work out just right. But it looks kinda cute, so here are some pictures of how I did it, in case you are interested.

And here is the thing about the grey.

I see that it is there. Dada sees it too. My family might think I am nuts, as I wander around the giant laughing farmhouse in silence, pounding cup after cup of coffee, trying desperately to emerge from my fog, but he gets it. And that helps, knowing it is there, that someone else sees it and loves me anyhow, but then, this is where I am currently struggling, expecting less of myself while it is there. Maybe all the Pinterest-y Christmas goodness won't happen. But one can still have a good holiday. I can. Dammit. And I made a tomten. And I can make a few other things, probably, and I will embrace the creativity of this mood in the ways it comes out, in my writing (mad writing going on lately). And I will string up lights all over the house, and find that light switch, eventually, and in the meanwhile I will focus on these little faces and the wonder in them, and things will be alright.

And I will light the candle, today, on this the first day of advent, and be thankful for the light, for the hope the candle represents as we read together:

"The people who walk in darkness
Will see a great light;
Those who live in a dark land,
The light will shine on them."

old baby sock, stuffed with rice at the bottom and wool at the top, secured
with a random purple hair tie
little man was my official photographer for this project. :)

forming the nose
nose formed on the body, wool for beard and hair, red felt for hat

all sewn up together

cute, right? kinda sorta



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