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Wednesday, July 3, 2019

my next venture / this is what it is

Writing is unclogging my brain. Thinking through all of the mess. Finding the clumps and clogs, pulling them free. Letting the water flow again. What is it? And why not? Let's keep the juices going. Keep the rhythm flowing. Even if some words and images and thoughts and memories stick like gum to the bottom of the shoe and where are we and what are we and I am pretty sure that there is nothing left in my brain if I can't empty the good things too because they are there but there are so big they are foundational. Solid things that don't move. All of the toxins that have eaten them away though. I am not sure what they actually look like anymore. This is the discovering. After the years of wrong thinking. And now I lie here. Unsure of what is good. Sometimes it all looks like sludge in my mind. So. Get it out. Flush with cold water. Air dry in the sun to stop the spread of slow decay.



This is what it is.

And where are we then once the dry has come. Assessing the damage. Looking, sifting sorting, at all the pieces left. Hands cold from the icy water. Soggy mind comes alive as the piles grow.

Yes to this.

No to that.

Get that out of here.

And here we are then.

Standing above the piles.

Time for the slow burn.

And I watch a movie with the kids. The superheroes mother says to him, "Stop being who you are supposed to be and start being who you are."

Do you hear that? "Stop being who you are supposed to be and start being who you are."

But not just any self. Your fullest self. Your best self, not your basest instincts. The best you that is in you.

And what then? Become more of you. Keep becoming. It never ends. Find and be more of that person.

Sometimes though, people spend so long being who they are supported to be that they forget who they are, or they never discover that glorious person inside.

And oh my god. This is your 40s. Or where I am in my 40s.

Opening your eyes and saying, who has the world said I am supposed to be?
And...who am I really? can I be, more and more, who I really am?

I mean, if we all stopped being who we are "supposed to be" and stopped living in fear, resentment, drudgery, and started being who we are, our glorious best selves, alive, full of purpose and energy, can you imagine the vitality of such a world?

That isn't to say, shrink from responsibility, or spend your days on the slopes or on the beach or running from your problems or any of that. Thats indulging in our base side, our impoverished "lack" selves.

The full side. The whole side. The flourishing life side.

The side who says "I've been driving bus for 20 years but dang, I am going to cosmetology school." (An overheard conversation at church the other day)

The side that says, "I have been afraid of filing my LLC for years to start my own consulting and coaching business so I am going to do it, dammit. I am."

The side that says "My pieces of art doodles are worth my time. I am going to take a class and do this more."

Or. "My book manuscript is good but I am going to hire someone to look at it and help me make it better."

The side that says, " I've been teaching Sunday School because my mother in law wanted me to for 10 years but I don't actually LIKE teaching Sunday School, so I'm not gonna do it anymore!"

These are the pieces that we need to feed. This is the self we are unravelling.

Find your joy.

Invest in it blossoming.

The world needs you to flower.

And so. This is my next venture. Coaching. To do this. Filing an LLC (finally) to help others going through this. I have thoughts. Ideas. And I think you might just dig it.

More to come. Much.


  1. My Niece of Nieces. What a wonderful realization you have seen. You can only be and only try to be the best you. It takes us all time to get to that point, at least it did for me. Ones life and journey are their own. Only they can walk it. Trying to walk anothers will not work. Nor can you let others or should you expect them to walk your path. Sure you can walk alongside them but your footsteps are your own. So, fear not and let your steps be bold for you have the support of a loving Uncle who has traveled a simular road.

    1. TIM. Thank you for writing this. much love.


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