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Thursday, June 23, 2011

On going away...alone

I am sitting in an airport. Alone. People keep looking at me and I think, "what? WHAT?" Nobody looks at me anymore, they look at my adorable crazy children and if anything I get the pitying glance, "you have your HANDS full...and a baby bump? Geez lady, good luck." This is what I get. So when grandma types or business men smile at me as I pace the halls of the airport I feel, once again, like a socially awkward teenager. Oh right, I should smile back, huh? What ARE they looking at?
I feel sick leaving my children. I miss them. Is that weird of me? And dada, I wish he could come but, alas, not enough time off work, not enough skymiles to make it feasible. Will I even be able to relax? To sleep? No pudgy hands on my face. No little bodies curled next to me.
This is good for me, right? Getting away? It feels selfish. My dear college friend is getting married. I am ecstatic to go, visit her, support her, but I find myself feeling jealous of people walking by me. Young college kids with only adventures to look to. Women in business attire (damn look at her suit! Those shoes! That bag!) young couples, hand in hand. And I wonder, are their hearts in two places? Do they feel torn in two? They are so carefree, so easily and effortlessly self-focused. Or, they look it at least. Can I be that? I can't. Will I ever again?
I am a wanderer at heart. Despite my love of home, I am an adventurer. Or was. Yet I still am, right?
I have been to crazy places, done crazy things. Bus stops in Malaysia in the middle of the night. Convoys through the streets of Baghdad. Bushwacking in the jungles of Brazil. Yet here I am, literally nauseated about going to San Francisco for a weekend by myself.
Who am I? What is this?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry


  1. you can do it hun!!!
    if it makes you feel any better the kinds are fine! they are taking naps now, this morrning we fed the calf and i think they spent the rast of the day couloring and playing with "shipits"
    love ya!


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