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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

tree cutting in the bitter cold and other thoughts on winter

I'm listening to the Bon Iver station on Pandora right now. I highly recommend it.

It's Tuesday. Tuesdays haven't been the same since LOST ended. You think I'm joking. I'm not. I should start rewatching it, every Tuesday night. Tuesday's need that.

Also. Its cloudy out.

And I don't do cloudy.

And, well, I started realizing this again, around early November. And I had a doctors appointment scheduled, to get my thyroid levels checked, maybe that was why I was feeling so grey this fall? And yes, they were off, but, you know, I started telling my doctor about the foggy-head, snappish feeling, and well, the anxiety of winter, and the cloudy day blues I get every year. And he patted my knee, and said it wasn't necessary to struggle on, and yes, Sara, that is called Seasonal Affective Disorder, and yes, honey, you have it, so, let's get you feeling better, this winter doesn't have to be a struggle.

So. I said okay. Because I agreed with him. And little man, the other day, asked me if I could please find "nice mama", my way of joking off my dark moods, in an effort to switch it around, and I cried three days in a row because of grey skies and, well, I didn't want to do that anymore.

Not a fun game.

So. Happy pills it is. A low dose. A tiny dose. Enough to make it easier.

And so its grey out, but I am not crying. So, there is that.

And I felt the need to write it here, even if some might disagree with my choice. Especially as I post these Christmas tree cutting pictures from the other day, remembering the me of three years ago when I was dealing with post-partum depression and the seasonal affective thing, and did nothing for myself and I want to hug her, poor girl, and tell her its okay. And here is the thing. I'm all about self-healing, trying to make it, healing foods and changing lifestyle, and so on, but, but, but...Here is the thing. I could be mood-swingy "artistic temperament" writer lady were it just me, lying around at home, being artistic, writing books in front of the fire, cat on my lap, etc. And I am sure lots of supplements and diets could help (I've probably done or am doing most of them) but, I can't sit around waiting for that to help, you know?


There it is.

Cat's out of the bag.

Its been a few weeks, enough I think to make a difference thus far. I think. I'm willing to give it a go, in any case.

So. Winter. Go for it. Do your thing. I bought new curtains, a jungle of new plants, happy Christmas lights twinkling against the grey skies outside of the window, and a frigging gym membership.

No worries. Its gonna be a good winter. Dammit.



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