Copyright © June Cleaver in yoga pants
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Tuesday, September 6, 2016

the end of the yoga pants era

I feel like this blog is going through an identity crisis lately.

Maybe I am too.

Maybe.

But, in any case.

I think I dont know what to write. My real life.

CONFESSION: The other day I put on yoga pants for the first time in weeks.

WHAAAAAAAAAA????

They felt lovely, of course. But, its just not my life these days, the yoga pants life. With little kids under five crawling at you, no real conversation all day beyond why Caillou doesnt have hair and where are my red socks mommy and why cant I drink my grape juice in front of the TV and where is heaven and why is your bellly so squishy.

All of this. Those yoga pants days.

I miss it.

I of course still have little people in my life. Little Green is just turning five this month. And dear baby man. But, boy if it isnt different now. Even outside of the whole kids in school and not homeschooling anymore.

Of course its the new "working mom" thing too ....although GOLLY I hate that phrase. I worked my ASS off when I was a "stay at home mom," who also ran a consulting business and homeschooled and etc etc.. But for real. Can we just change this please?? Can we just be individuals, women,  with little people in our lives? Some who work at mothering and homemaking. Some who run photography businesses. Some who teach. Some who pull all night shifts as an ER nurse.  But all who love and nurture and sweat and cry at this business called motherhood. Like. Seriously. Good grief. We ALL WORK. It is so much work. I am just not doing all the stuff now that I was doing in those early years.

Because I can't. Because I needed to find and embrace this other part of me.

Maybe that is why I dont write here about it all. Because I am afraid that people will say, oh, she just is too selfish to homeschool anymore.

I know. Because I have looked at moms and judged too.

And now here I am. Trying on this new life. Figuring it out, baby in tow of course but, yes very very different.

The last two weeks I taught a group of pastors and NGO leaders from Central Africa. We discussed transformation inside and out for their country. I brought baby with me, nursed during breaks, held him as he napped in the Ergo while I taught, passed him off to whoever was willing when he was awake and chatty, then ran to get Little Green at the school on campus, up to the cafeteria for lunch followed by meetings, connecting with my intern, then big kids home from school, shove some laundry in and find something for dinner, then emails and skype calls in the late evening as kids get in and out of the shower while baby scooches around on the floor.

No bread baking. No wool crafting. No gardening. No sewing. No story telling with handmade figurines carved from raw wood and lovingly painted by yours truly with non toxic paint, polished with local beeswax to a soft sheen. (OH MY GOSH. YES. I DID THAT. HAHAHA)

Instead I am planning projects with people like Dee. Who grew up on the streets of her Central African country. Sold corn from her adopted families field, where she was treated like a slave, so she could raise fees to go to school, even though school is constitutionally guaranteed as "free" and now she raising funds to build classrooms for the twenty street kids she has taken in so she can give them a quality education and a chance at a fulfilling life. We are planning all kinds of advocacy projects. I hope to go to her country this fall to start in on some of them.

Did I mention she is 29???

So yes.

Different.

Good. But so different.

I see moms hanging out on campus in yoga pants (all amazingly fit moms who apparently wear yoga pants to actually work out) and they have their little guys in tow. A toddler. A baby. And they are planning their days out in Target trips and playdates.

And I miss those years.

But I am also realizing that I am beyond them. I have done those years. Kicked ass at those years, frankly. Also learned. And grown so much. But it isnt where I am anymore. I have a ten year old now. Who has increasingly complex needs. My mommying life is moving beyond the yoga pants years.

And that I need to be true to myself too.  To be here for them but also show them, hey look, mommy has dreams, here she is working hard at them to make them real.

But I want both really. An integrated life. A little farm where I paint and garden and host family in our guest yurt and make wool felted toys and feed the goats (I totally want baby to have a goat who pulls a little cart...HOW AWESOME, RIGHT??) and sit at a desk on the lanai where I write at my books. I am itching to write lately. And projects. Trips overseas. Where I teach and help amazing people like Dee accomplish their dreams.

All of it.

Here is to the dream!

And I dont know how to be inauthentic in these pages. So. If you are up for it I'll start to write more authentically. Because there is much that June is seeing and doing and thinking about these days. Just maybe, a little bit, well, different.


Heading out to a work meeting


 Meeting baby...

 Yep. Me holding baby whilst teaching. HAHAHA


Taking the kids to a meeting when they were off school from a hurricane

 We log a lot of Ergo time

A Kona sunset

On our commute down the hill to campus


The inspiring Dee.


13 comments:

  1. Run, June, run! And may God bless every step, every sprint, every marathon run for His glory

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  2. Oh my, Sara! You captured everything that goes in my mommy brain these days as I am reentering the workforce. Thank you! While I don't have a baby in an ergo, you rock by the way, but going from a stay at home mom who made her keifer, kamboch and broth to work and go on field assignments mom has diffenitly been an interesting phase to go through!

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    1. wait, do i know you??? hugs lady. we can do it! (my kombucha mother is sadly sitting on the counter, all limp and goopy. i am going to try and resurrect her though. there may not be home knitting baby hats but, by God, there will be kombucha!!)

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    2. Oh sorry..the name didn't display :) it's Nour from NDI. Oh the kambuch.. I gave up mine. I know it's not the same, but I had to replace my kambucha with Yogi tea kambucha.. I will go back to it all oe of those days.. keep on going, Sara!

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    3. nour! i thought of you when i tried to make kombucha shortly after this post, went to check on it last week and it was totally moldy! never had that happen before...good thing it goes on sale at target all the time ;) field assignments! ack! so hard, the pull, for us international development types. i want to go and do it SO BAD. but...baby...four year old...bigs...maybe not yet. but soon, dammit. soon.

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  3. Great stuff I love that your evolving and been able to see this through the time I've followed you xxxx

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  4. Woot woot for you! You taught me about keeping a small stash of chocolate hidden in the cupboard, among other things. Thank you for being so open along the way. Yes to dreams and being all we are! Cheers!

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  5. I am feeling a lot of this too. My older kids are champing at the bit socially and some of them can't drive so they have me shuttling to and fro- while the little kids can't be left alone to play at home all day. It's such a weird middle space- I never imagined teens and toddlers to be this way. But I LOVE how the toddlers can break the teens out of their rigid social frame and make them dance, play horsey, and play swords.
    My kombucha mother is actually crispy. I haven't made bread in over five years because my body revolted against gluten and homemade bread is the most irresistible gluten around. And my kefir is store bought as well.
    Thanks for giving space to not living the perfect life but loving it all the same. It allows some of us to do the same.

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    Replies
    1. and yet....not perfect....but still perfect, crispy kombucha and all. right?? (this is the goal persepective anyway...)

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  6. Love you and the beautiful woman you are! Such great and all around wonderful person to call my sister.

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