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Friday, March 7, 2014

the ebbs and flows of contentment

You know those five minutes you have in the morning to sit down with your (reheated) coffee and actually just be?? I am in those five minutes right now. God bless you Friday.

Friday is our "unschooling" day. That is how I have come to think of it anyhow. The kids play (right now they are playing alien/Spaceman Spiff/mean baby ballerina...guess who is who...HA)

Friday is when they play. And play. And play. (Play is educational, I say.) And they do some kind of craft. And go outside. And play some more.

And I am off the hook with enforcing the book work and copying sentences and etc. Its kind of lovely.

So. Here is where I am at.

And its grey outside. But I am okay with it because...ITS 35 DEGREES OUT. Which is amazing. Which is SPRING and all things GOOD and WARM and I am talking in Olaf's VOICE right now. HA HA.

And I had a nice chat with my sister today (one of them) about contentment. And it makes me think about being content this winter, and why and how that came about. If you remember, last winter I couldn't find that contentment. I let worry and what-if's eat me up. And I sat in it. And wallowed in it. And refused to let my brain escape. (And was suffering from some kind of seasonal thing, I admit.) I feel like though that this year I decided. You know, not going to go there again, and something in me just felt like. Hey, how's about we CHOOSE to be content? And I did. I mean, I have my days, but as hard as this winter was (the coldest since 1887 or something like that!) it was a fairly productive and happy winter.

This post is not coming out like I meant.

Do you get where I am coming from?

Just that, sometimes it is a choice. Right?

Like my sister, who all her life thought she would be a full time stay at home mama. And then she realizes. Huh, I'm not. So she is a part time stay at home mama, but she had to come to a place where she was okay with that - not being home all the time - and not just okay, GOOD with it.

And that's an amazing thing.

To be able to choose to be content. And I think I did that too this year, it ebbs and flows right? And somehow we have to chin up and look at our lives and say, this isn't what I thought it would be, but I am good with that, in fact, I LOVE this me. I am not in a power suit in DC. (That's another sister...she is a ROCKSTAR) I am not "in the field" drinking strong cups of sugary tea and holding meetings at 10pm with politicians, talking through an interpreter about Big, Heavy, Important things.


I am sitting on my couch, wearing yoga pants, a big grey sweater,a flannel shirt, and a hat made out of an old sweater. Next to me is a princess Barbie doll (the one Barbie I've allowed into the house) and my kids are screaming in laughter downstairs and I need to check on my chickens and stoke the fire again and brew another batch of kombucha. The icicles are dripping off the eaves outside. I'm making playdates over texts while sipping reheated coffee. I've just pulled up my silly little book project (just hit 60,000 words!) and plan on typing as long as its happy screams coming from downstairs (instead of the tears kind).

And God, thank you God, life is so good.

I write a lot about contentment here. I think its because I wrestle with this, and have since first entering into that age of awareness as a teenager. Life is so big. Where do I fit in? Etc. Etc. Oh my, I was FUN as an angstful 17 year old (and I've a feeling little man and little miss are going to put me through the wringer too - kudos MOM!)

And I think its something that a lot of moms wrestle with. Finding peace. Being okay with not being "Pinterest Perfect." Being able to look Pinterest Perfect in the face and say, hey, that's okay that I am not that. And sitting with a laptop and a reheated cup of coffee and realizing as you type. I AM CONTENT. I CHOOSE CONTENTMENT. Oh, yes, every now and then its good to let a little bit of angst out. Angst spurs us on to new heights. It makes us say, HEY, we are nearing that Scary Milestone Age That Shall Not Be Named. LETS WRITE A BOOK, dammit. Lets run a marathon (that one is for you maybe, NOT ME, HA.) Lets do the big thing we have aching inside us. This kind of motivating angst is good for the soul. It doesn't wallow, it spurs us! Onward and upward.

But it springs out of a pool of contentment. Contentment is our resting place. And, as someone who dips down into the deep dark murky place easily and often, it can be a hard place to maintain.

I am writing in circles at this point, but this is how I process, so bear with me. HA.

Because deep dark can bring revelation too. Which is what last winter was for me and dada. THIS, this place, THIS SUCKS. Lets not be here anymore. And we made a commitment to each other, to move out of it. What do you want? To work from home. To write a book. Okay, lets do those things.

Maybe its just letting it be for awhile, learning what you can from those periods of life, and then USING THEM TO LAUNCH OUT INTO THE NEW.

Yes, I wrote that in all caps.

Moving forward, ever forward.

But as you do, its coming from a place of contentment. Where battling knights lay down their swords to come and cuddle mama, and your heart smiles. And you stoke the fire, and bake chocolate chip cookies and watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie, other things lurking, growing from this place, but yes, being here and Present in the Here. And still the smiling heart, and maybe, hitting 40 soon, I am finding my stride, contentment, deep dark, learning, contentment, and it all rolls on, ebbs and flows. And it is ALL good.

Cheers mamas, TO FRIDAY! May it be filled with pizza,  early bedtimes, some good shows on Netflix, and a glass (or two) of wine.

Yay us. Rock on.

nothing to do with this post, but pretty.... :)


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