He is staring at a Shakespearean play (I'm not making this up), half asleep. Kiddies just in bed, house quiet.
And I say to him, "So, I've been thinking."
And he says, "yea? About what?"
And I say, "Well, about being more joyful. I mean, as a parent."
He kinda tries not to sigh and puts down the giant book.
And I say, "Yea."
And he says, "Like how?"
And I say, "Well, like today for instance. When the girls started arguing and instead of being playful about it - Come on now sillies! Its all good! - I totally flipped out and yelled. Or, when little man was supposed to be doing Multiplication flashcards and instead he was doing Addition flashcards and it made me SO MAD. [yes, I lost my cool over that. ridiculous, right???]"
He sighs for real and folds the book up.
"Yea, I know."
And I say, "And, well, I just want them to remember me in their childhood as their fun happy mom who had picnics on the lawn and painted on the deck and played in the water at the lake (without submersing her head...I don't do that) ...and....I'm not very fun these days. I want our house to be JOYFUL. I want to be like, wise, calm, cool mother and sure we mess up every now and then, we apologize, show our humanity etc etc but...I guess I want to be better, for them, more often than, well, human."
And, do you know what I mean mommies? Sometimes the work of mommyhood becomes SO ALL CONSUMING and so much WORK that I forget how teeny tiny these little people are and how fast it goes and soon it will be highschool and college and not that that wont be "fun" but that, well, the simple childhood wonderment years will be gone. And meanwhile, these are the years you remember, when you are seven and learn to ride your bike and lose your teeth and go camping and toast marshmallows and sled down the hills in the front yard and play Uno until past bedtime just because and....and....I don't want to let that slip by.
But its so easy to let it.
And to just lose your cool, and start thinking of these little people as your coworkers who need to hold up their end of the bargain. Does that make me sound terrible? Seriously. I have caught myself saying to little man. "Please STOP WHINING. you are ACTING LIKE A CHILD....oh wait..."
No, seriously, on more than one occasion.
Perhaps this is the curse of the stay at home mother? Our little people begin to seem like coworkers, because we don't have any, and we expect them to pull their fair share?
That didn't come out right. But do you see what I am saying here?
I want to revel in their childhood. Delight in it. Trouble is, delightful reveling doesn't come naturally to me, I mean, in a sitting in the grass making dandelion crowns sort of way. I do it, but I am not naturally playful. But I want to hug and laugh and enjoy. Have this be a true summer of joy for them, and not just this summer, but moving forward. The baby years are closing. The years of memory making, things of their childhood that they will actually remember (and hopefully they will be fun and wonderful things and not fodder for a therapist...HA. I joke. But seriously....)
Yea, so dada said he was in on that too. And I wondered if you all think like this. And not that I don't do it, but I want more of it. And not that I have it figured out, but I can grow into more joyful parenting. And not that I am doing it for the memories down the line, but, that its important for the NOW. For ME, and them. And, I just want to be joyful, not in a forced way, but joyfully me, who revels and delights in her three amazingly awesome kids.
Anyway. My thoughts for the day.