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Monday, January 10, 2011

on the whole what-is-next dilemma and being content regardless

So far the year 2011 makes me tired.

How is that for an opening line? Do you sense the whiney-ness about to come? Be prepared. You were forewarned.

No it’s not that I am whiney. It’s….hmmm.

I feel eh.

I am the type that really needs a what-is-next goal to strive toward, daydream about, obsess over, etc.

I don’t have that right now. And it’s really weirding me out.

For the first time in 5 years I don’t have a baby in the house and I am not pregnant. This is a real shift in existence. I told my husband it’s like I have been living my life day-to-day. Not looking up. And suddenly I find myself looking up. And it’s freaky. There is a big wide open horizon, with no clear road to go down.

What is next?! Where are we going?! Quick, look back down!!

Instead of dealing with this I am finding obscure things to obsess about.

Most recently I was obsessed with purchasing this ridiculously under-priced really super cool dome house out in the country. With land. And a creek. And an orchard. And A DOME HOUSE. I mean, how cool is that? (Can you tell I am still obsessed with it?) I spent no less than two solid days designing a floor plan on this website and obsessing over how we would upgrade it (a sauna in the basement! A craft studio above the garage!)

When I informed dada he was slightly alarmed at the level of my obsession.

Umm. Honey. That would be like an hour commute for me.

Yea? So? You could work from home part-time! I could homeschool the kids!


Good grief I am ridiculous.


I totally want to be a goat farmer.

Think of the cheese!!!

(Hmmm. Goat cheese….)

My husband’s response? Honey, you have dreads. You can’t be a dreaded goat farmer!

Ummm. Sure I can. Watch me.

Yet here I am. Sitting in a duplex in a major city. I couldn’t even grow tomatoes last summer, let alone goats.

But really, it’s not about the goats. Or the dome house.

Today I found my mind wandering to my former occupation and obsessing over working again in some exotic locale. (Dada can be the stay at home/homeschooling parent, right?)

And I think, good grief Sara, what is going on here??

I keep on going back to this – being faithful in the little things. The day to day. And letting life fall into place. Although, it is a fine balance between letting it fall into place and getting up the gumption to pursue your next big adventure.

I don’t know where the line is. Maybe that is my problem.

Maybe I just don’t know what I am talking about. That could very well be the case.

Maybe I just need more coffee. Or less? One of the two certainly.

The whole adventure of life is both exciting and exasperating in its mystery. I WANT TO KNOW. But knowing would make it way less fun.

I guess.

Maybe I just want a hint?

Or, to look at it the other way.

Maybe I need to figure out what it is I want? What direction our little family wants?

Right now, in this moment, hmmm...

I want to be a goat farmer/international adventurer who sells baby shoes on Etsy whilst writing the great American novel and raising 47 of the world’s best babies.

Ready. Set. Go.

(I dont know the rules about embedding you tube videos. But this one fits this post perfectly. Man, I love this song....)


  1. Fabulous post. I love listening to your thoughts and thinking I can SO relate sometimes...

    Except, no goats for me. I'm thinking of going with koi fish.

  2. koi fish! i love that.
    yes, but i can make CHEESE with goats. CHEESE mary. and YOGURT.
    can your fish do that???
    ha ha ha.

    love you too.

  3. Sara, how do you crawl inside my brain and know what I'm thinking?

    "it is a fine balance between letting it fall into place and getting up the gumption to pursue your next big adventure." This is where I am right now. This is EXACTLY what I've been struggling with the last few weeks. I told myself I'd start looking for a job in the New Year. It's the new year, but I'm just not feeling it. Somehow it's not sitting right just yet. So am I letting things fall into place, or have I become complacent in my comfortable little rut? Am I lacking courage or being content?

    Maybe you're right--something big is coming, something fun and amazing. I'll keep and eye out for it. For the moment, however, it's 4:30 and I have to go find something to make for dinner. ;-)

  4. ha ha ha ha ha tracy!

    good luck (with dinner and that what-is-next dilemma)

    goat farming maybe????

  5. Oh, I'm just itching to get goats and chickens and recreate my childhood 4-H days! :-) Right now we have a garden and a dog. That's about as much as I can handle at the moment. But, one day.....

    I'm a little like you, in that I like to be busy with great projects and adventures! This past year actually had a lot of travel for me--Backpacking Europe, missions in Mongolia, etc.

    But, now I'm feeling God is telling me that it OK not to be busy. Like I have to learn to be still, to be quiet, to relax with a book and my babies and not being doing something "important" and others focused, but to turn inward and just BE.

    I'm learning. It's a challenge...every. single. day.

  6. daja - just where i am at. it all comes back to being content and faithful in the day to day...
    BEing is so hard! luckily we have Someone looking out for our "big picture" :) guiding that day to day onto the right path...

  7. Sara, I live in a duplex in a minor city and I can't get tomatoes to grow either! It's so frustrating, isn't it? I thought I could be at least a little bit farm-y and organic, but we really only managed to grow tomatoes in 2005 and have had several years of battling groundhogs and lack of light, and now we don't try.

    I have had success with strawberries. That makes me very happy!

  8. No goats for me but I get where you are coming from. We want it all honey. Did you quit your day job to become a mommy?

  9. lynne - well, my career, post grad-school, was of an international slant, rather difficult with youngsters. so then i was working from home, until last year when my consulting work dried up and i never tried to find more... now i am being a mommy/writer :)
    goats would fit in nicely, i say :)

  10. Ok, wow. I came across your post on making baby shoes (since I'm trying to make some) and this post caught my eye in the, "June's Past Posts." It caught my eye because I am always trying to figure out be content. Then I read it and identified SO much! I even read it to my husband who said it was creepy how much this is me. I, too, always need something on the horizon to obsess about (right now it's trying to find a way to move to Paris, before that South Africa, chickens, buying a village in Spain and renovating it). I am always trying to make some crazy idea work and my husband is always reminding me that it's impractical (but is it always?). Also, my degree is International Educational Development, so.....yeah. I want to be out in some exotic local working with the education system and instead am in an apartment in a converted house downtown in a mid-large city trying to figure out how to make baby shoes and gardening in someone else's front yard. Can we be friends?

  11. SHERI! we can definitely be friends. such a hard in between longing for us international worker girls....I want to say more here, much muchly more, but baby green is hitting me with a book I have to read RIGHT NOW and I haven't had a cup of coffee yes, I will write more. thanks for reading! also....SPAIN...PARIS...tears to my eyes. especially spain. especially that everyone stops for a nap all afternoon. LOVE SPAIN. ha. I am tired right now. MORE LATER :)


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