waiting...

I am sitting in my very clean living room, with a children's lullaby on repeat in the background and BOTH children asleep on the couches, covered in piles of blankets. One is feverish, one is recovering from a fever. Both are tearing at my heart right now. Sweet little people. Full of snuggles and silly jokes and uproarious laughter and tender caresses. "Oh my big mama," little miss said to me the other night "you are so beautiful and cute. I wuv you SOOOOO much."

Little miss just woke, sat up and said "Where is my mama?" I waved at her from my chair and she is back asleep. I am a living security blanket. The embodiment of their world, their happiness, for now anyway.

Oh these little people.

What they do to you! How they change you! Your world goes so quickly from you, and your partner, to them. Your daily rhythm, your future dreams and goals. It all changes. And you are better for it.

It is amazing.

And a third little person will soon be added to this overflow of love.

And this is what is so hard for me about the waiting. Who is this person? What will this person add to us and who we are? How will they change me, make me better?

All part of the mystery of motherhood and family. All good things.

And so I will wait. Today, peacefully. Yesterday, not so much. It comes and it goes, in waves. I can do it! NO, NO, I CANT! But of course, I can. In the grand scheme of life these few weeks of thinking baby would be here and waiting for the actual day are nothing. And as my mother keeps saying, in a month you will have a baby. (SURELY! HA HA.)

And my heart is full already, and preparing to overflow with this new little person in our lives.

And it is good. All good.