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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

the identity of me

So the other day dada went on over to Ikea and bought honest-to-God-full-price shelves. Matching shelves. The shelves I have been lusting after, years? (I know, disturbing, I will get back to that in a minute)
the shelves in question...arent they fabulous???

I literally sit in my mama chair in the morning sipping coffee and gaze lovingly at them. A place for everything, and everything in its place. Ah!

And I told dada, as we exclaimed to each other over and over "Gosh I just LOVE those shelves!," that I feel like I am a "real adult" now that we have gone out and purchased full price furniture to match our other furniture.

Okay, so now back to the disturbing part.

Disturbing, in that shelves excite me so much. Disturbing in that this is the most exciting thing that will happen in my world...for weeks? Disturbing in that this makes me feel like an accomplished adult (whereas having three children and getting two graduate degrees between us does not?)

What has happened to me?

I never thought I would be the domestic type. Like making baked oatmeal just for kicks at home in my slippers on a Tuesday afternoon, baby strapped to my chest asleep, while herding two soccer playing children into another room (ONLY IN THE HALL!) And yes, this is EXACTLY what I did this afternoon. In slippers.

So. My life. You know?

I thought I would be gallavanting around the world, babies in tow, while dada takes care of them so I can do Big and Important work (capital B, capital I).

But, I am not. And here is the thing, the crux of the matter as it were, I love it.


BUT I am realizing, in this 30-something identity crisis I am having of late, IT BOTHERS ME THAT I LOVE IT.

I think that is it.

Like, I am feeling unsettled at how settled I am. Does that make sense? All of this came out last night as I was talking with a friend (OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE, no I did not wear yoga pants) with a glass of wine in hand...Suddenly I realize as I am saying it, that I am content, but that scares me.

So, the question is, WHY? Why, for GOD'S SAKE, is it so hard for me to be okay with loving my life as it is?? I feel like I ought to want more. I DO want more, of course, but not right now necessarily. Logistically it would be so hard. And five years from now I can slide back into some kind of career, consulting or whatnot, and it'll happen, no worries. But, for now, I am content. With sweeping the floors three times a day, making matching pajamas for my girls, exclaiming over my baby starting to crawl, and the fact that I made my own laundry detergent (which I really should share here, it is WONDERFUL)

And there I go again. Wonderful homemade laundry soap. It scares me that I just wrote that.

See what I am getting at here?

Do I almost feel guilty that I dont want more? Like I am letting that ambitious 25 year old down for not writing a novel or traveling the world or using my degrees?

I don't know. Obviously I am still trying to figure it out. Hence the writing of the convoluted thoughts that you, my friends, get the privilege of reading. (Sarcasm. HA.)

Mainly, maybe, I am letting my dreams change, my vision of myself and who I thought I would be, as I push through the mid-thirties to the nearer side of 40. (EEK) I am not the mother I thought I would be at 25. I am not the career girl I thought I would be. Nor the published author I envisioned. But that is okay. I am me. Thirty-something me. My decade younger self will have to deal with it.

Change is good. But lets face it, I suck at it.

But I need to, irregardless.

I am a mommy. But not JUST a mommy, none of us are. I am a sister, blogger, daughter, creator, friend, dreamer, partner, writer, and more.

I am a lot. You know? So back off, 25 year old self. Come on, goat farms and dreads?!? You know you love it.


  1. bring it on, life. (and we have those shelves. and they are exciting.)

  2. I feel the same way. Some days I feel like such a cliché, stay at home Christian mom grinding my own grain, baking bread, cooking, cleaning, endlessly cleaning. What's next I think, heading to the good will and picking up a jean jumper with Disney characters to complete the stereotype?
    I take on freelance graphic design work and sometimes it hits me how I am getting a little behind on what's hip, being out of the workplace for a few years now. I feel guilty about getting behind and I struggle with thoughts about being hireable in later years. And yet I love this job as a stay at home mom more than anything else I have ever done. My husband was home from work for about a week over Christmas. He's great with the kids and I admit a better house keeper than I so I often think he would be better at home. Yet half way through the week he was exhausted and I was actually ready to be on my own with the kiddos. I think for the first time I realized that I got this. This is my job and I am not half bad at it. It's hard and thankless and there are not the accolades of the workplace but I feel like it is the most important thing I will ever do. Anyway, long comment but I love your blog, thank you for this post!

  3. Right on Sara! BTW how did the baked oatmeal turn out?

  4. Yay for contentedness, even contentedness that's scary.
    We have those bookshelves, too, in white--and just like you, bottom two rows of baskets of kid toys, and then books and files and isn't it great how it holds everything?!

  5. ha! love how many people also have and love these shelves. thanks again mamas for your hugs and empathy. its a weird place to be in...and betty, the baked oatmeal was GREAT. thanks!!d


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