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Saturday, April 7, 2012

getting back into the swing of things

So, I wake up my first morning back, at 7am, which is the middle of the night where I was, and I throw on my robe and stagger upstairs. Dada is showering, running late for work, little man and baby are still asleep, little miss is in the playroom, umm, soiling, her pajama pants.

And so my day begins. WELCOME HOME MAMA!

Fun times.

And I clean up the mess. And I make some coffee. And we get through the day. And then we get through the next day. And some time I am talking to my sister, laughing about my introduction back to mommying life. And I realize, one it was so nice to be given attention for who I AM, not my kids. And I realize, all of my interactions, 95% maybe, with other human beings, are about my children, and even if I am having a child free moment with a friend, what do we talk about?? Our kids of course. And dada, late at night when kiddos are asleep, we talk, mostly, about the kiddos. Who did what, who pooped on the potty (or not) and so on.

And then two, as I am laughing with her I realize, and say to her, OH, maybe I havent been dealing with just baby blues this whole while, as much as...well...THIS IS JUST REALLY HARD. HARD. REALLY flipping HARD. Oh. Huh. Yes. I think that is it. The whole stay at home mommying thing, but also the ages of kids 5, 3, nursing dependent baby. Yes. THAT. The whole wiping of the five year old butt ("you do it BETTER mom") toilet training the other, a little miss who still very much needs held and cuddled and babied at times. Then the actual caring of the actual baby, who still gets mad when I try to put her down in bed for a nap. NO! I DEMAND YOU HOLD ME! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING CRAZY LADY???

My sister did the same age break down with her first three. She said yes, some days she would call her husband and say, when you get home, I AM LEAVING. I think, oh, wow, I should try that.

Its about space. Space to think and be, well, me. Me as mommy, I love it, I need it, breathe it, but sometimes it is good to remember me, oh yes, I still exist. But, that makes me refreshed, in a better space to be a better mommy. And they deserve the best me as mommy. Because they, all of 'em, are fabulous.

So, with this shift, this telling of myself that it is not just okay but NECESSARY to be me more often, I suddenly feel better. Yes. Truth. My children need me to be me in order to be their mommy, fully, adult me, thinking thoughtful me, even maybe working part time me, because that is who I am. Doing things I love. Loving life. Listening to my music, not just theirs. You know? Maybe taking some classes. Traveling even (with them! hopefully!) but also crafting and sweeping floors and being here. All of it.

And we go for our first walk of the season to the nearby wildflower garden, and breathe in the fresh spring air, and the girls sleep as we walk home, and little man tells me about his newly created "Golden world," his imaginary world where anything and everything is possible and fabulous things happen all the time (rooms full of marshmellows, and driving cars while sleeping and flying through space) and I think yes, life IS golden, isn't it, my little man? It really is.

And then, we did a craft.
our attempt at naturally dyed eggs. it didnt really work. but, i must confess
i just looked at the ingredients and didnt actually follow the directions
because i am like that (like my whole anti-recipe thing) sometimes
though, it is worth it to follow year, right?
the yellow-ish ones are from curry. the grey-ish from blueberries...

so we had to pull out the food coloring and do some proper eggs. i am out
of red.

and then, because they were still boring, we colored them with markers and glued
on bits of tissue paper....

our easter egg tree

by the way, look who is now a full-fledged getting into
crap and making a mess crawling baby????
time to babyproof the house mama!!

she looked so grown up to me in this picture. so amazing. SIX MONTHS? ALREADY?


  1. Hey neighbor! Let me know if you need any help with the kiddos over the next few weeks...perhaps a night out with the husband or a few hours to yourself during the day. My current nanny job ended two months before I anticipated and I will have morning and early afternoon availability through the end of the school year. Not sure if it's something that would interest you, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Hope you enjoyed your time away. I just caught up on your blog a bit. Sounded like a great time. Oh and my email is if you need to get in touch.

  2. Pretty nice post, I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have truly enjoyed surfing around your blog posts. In any case I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again very soon!


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