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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

but you get what you need...

Oh such a great song, right? Ah the memories from college, belting out the chorus while our favorite band played a cover of it. (That is one jacked up sentence, alas, I havent the patience to figure it out.)

I wish you could see me right now, you would understand my state (I know what you are thinking, see Sara its this new fangled thing called "VIDEO" but no, I would never ever do video blogging. Why? Well, because then I would feel the need to put on mascara and change out of the yoga pants I've worn for two days and the shirt I went running in this morning. And also I couldnt take breaks to let the baby chew on my chin and bite my hair and nurse, which is what she is doing in turns right now.)

So yes, I am in a state.

And now. The kiddies and I are in our jams. Fed. Washed up. BEDTIME. They are playing for a few minutes in the playroom. I am trying to finish this post.

It isnt going to happen.

In any case. Where am I going with that song?

Oh yes. So. You cant always get what you want. You cant always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

You get what you need.

Because the line between want and need is a funny thing.

We think we want something. (Be it a new pair of jeans, a goat farm in the country, a better job, a glass of wine, a perfect spanking new house on the lake, etc) And then we get that thing, or that thing gets closer, and we realize, wait, do I REALLY want that? Or we discover that thing wasnt that big of a deal. ($120 on a pair of jeans?? Really?? To backtrack I went through this crazy, I want to own designer jeans, like a year before little man was even a sparkle in our eyes. And then finally, when it came to it, I realized I couldnt ACTUALLY spend $120 on a pair of jeans. Who can do that? I couldnt. But. Three years later I found nearly perfect jeans of that same variety at my favorite thrift store. TWO PAIRS. And I bought them. Man I wish I could get into those jeans! One step at a time, right? But, I digress - obviously)

Or then we get to that point and we go "Wait. I am confused now. What DO I want??"

Enter the point of the story (phew, you all think). This is where I am now. Country life. Yes, really? Now? Wait? SO FAR AWAY. But trees. A big endless yard. Maybe even a river. My own for real garden.

Then part of me goes. OH BUT THE WORK! Can I do it? Will I be good at that? I have been a city mama all of my mama-days.

Then we get to the gist of it. What if I cant hack it?


I dont want to not be good at country life.

I also dont want to come crawling back to the city, beaten - full of ticks and mosquito bites - defeated. But its more than this. Will we find the right place, the right community? What about the community we have built up here?

And this is all going around and around inside of me. Like this twisty feeling. I dont know what to want. I dont know what to daydream about. And man, my daydreams are important. I need something to picture to get me through the day. I need an imaginary house to decorate. Then the practicalities. Where will we be next Christmas? For our girls first birthday?

Swirling, swirling around.

So whats a girl to do?

Here is what I am thinking. Trust that it will work out as it should. That we will get what we need. For us. Our little family. For me.


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