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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

you complete me

As I type the sun is trying oh so hard, in a mid-March way, to make its way out from behind the haze of clouds we have had the past few days.

I NEED sunshine.

NEED.

It seems like everyone in my Facebook feed is off to Cabo or Florida. I type at home surrounded by grey and snow, trying not to be jealous.

I write about the weather a lot. A symptom of boring-yoga-pants-wearing-mom-ness I suppose. I write about that. And my kids. And coffee.

And why my kids wont eat the mac and cheese I just made. WHY? WHY??

In any case.

Hi. I am boring today.

I have had a lot of big things rolling around in my head lately though. Trying to process them through the haze of greyness and sniffles is proving challenging. So I type to see what comes out of it all.

I guess I started feeling it around Valentines Day, when we were making Valentines cards for everyone. Little miss colored a smiling guy and asked "How do you spell Sara?" which I then wrote on the inside of the card. Then later I ask little man if he had finished his, and not wanting to have him feel showed up by his little sister, did he make one for mom and dad too. Oh, yes, I did, for dad. Oh, um, well, I dont need one. Okay he says.

In the meanwhile I dropped out of a free online course. Realizing I dont have the time to do the work(or willpower to get up at 5am to do it, lets face it). And, just like with dropping out of my novel writing challenge this past fall, that feeling hits, oh yes, outside of kiddies, I DONT EXIST. (Is this, good, bad, selfish, sad? I dont know, go ask your dad. HA HA HA. Little bit of Dr. Seuss there to lighten it up.)

And then, last night little man was raging at me. All day really. Dada's train was late. Baby only wanted held. I yelled back. Then felt terrible. He took a break on his bed. I nursed baby. Then he went to the kitchen table, pulled out his crayons and wrote a letter. His first real umprompted letter. And I was touched. "I love you mom. And I am srrrey."

And then he planned a family meeting, adorably making signs and arrows and badges to first place winners. Little miss won for "fastest runner" Dada for "best cook" (I wasnt even nominated in this category, HA.) and baby dear won for "best potty training."

Oh, and mom, you get best mom award. But, oh, I guess I didnt make you a badge.

Oh, I say.

And ridiculously, my eyes fill up with tears.

Why is it I want recognition from him? Its funny when a kid gets to a certain age we expect them to start behaving like little adults. To give me props for the stellar homemade mac and cheese skills. For the crafted mushroom gnome houses (that get overshadowed by 50$ lego sets).  To eagerly rush to do school with a happy smile. (You gave up writing/career ambitions to school us at home?? Gee, THANKS MOM.) To see the logic in cleaning up their bedroom (see, more room to play!)

You know the scene the title here refers to right? With Renee Zellweger and Tom Cruise? (before they both looked wonky from too much plastic surgery. LAY OFF THE KNIFE RENEE!) They look at each other across the room, you complete me, he signs. And she jumps into his arms.

Why is it that I expect my kid to fill that? To complete my mommyness?

I dont know, too heavy.

As mothers, we have no work quotas to fill. We have no annual reviews. We have no bonuses. No pats on the back from the boss. Just the little people in front of us, who may or may not show us gratitude, who may or may not scream in the middle of Target for another gosh darned toy, and whom we hope not to screw up, not too badly anyway.

Anybody out there get me?

Dammit motherhood is hard. And yes, clearly I need an attitude adjustment. Or more coffee.

And then, and then, I pause in my writing to shoo the kids outside. (GO PLAY. NO I AM NOT COMING.) And as I am tucking little man's sock into his boot he leans over and kisses me on the cheek.

Ah. Motherhood. Somehow, somewhere in there, it does complete me, in ever surprising ways.

And now the blue sky is shining through my woods in patches. Here is hoping for a full sunhiney morning tomorrow...while I sip my giant cup of coffee...with my dearie kiddos by my side.


little man honest to goodness reading to baby. swoon.


very pleased with her big girl undies.
pee pee on the pot pot!!!

eeeeeeeeeeek!

she really loves her brothers robot arm toy

i need to stop taking pictures of birds

a dark eyed junco out on the snowy deck

3 comments:

  1. Came across your blog through a comment on one of the Waldorf yahoo groups I'm in. Can I just tell you that I appreciate the raw truthfulness of this post. I get so tired of these glossy- everything is perfect blog posts. We all just need to know sometimes they we are not alone in this epically difficult journey of motherhood we are on. Thank you!

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  2. amy- hugs mama! it is rough. and beautiful. and rough. and your comment is exactly why i started this blog, because i felt the same way. hey. we are NOT alone. we are NOT perfectly lovely all the time. with perfect crafts. and perfect lesson plans. and etc. but we can still do it. and its good. :) keep on keeping on mama!

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  3. Beautiful post in so many ways.

    ReplyDelete

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