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Friday, November 11, 2011

what is next

Funny thing about waiting nine months + for a baby, baby is born, head clears after a few weeks and suddenly you are like, NOW WHAT??

how i spend many an afternoon, sitting on the stoop, bouncing baby love
while the hooligans run off their halloween candy...
Waiting for that little soul to come into the world is such a monumentous thing, nothing like it really, maybe waiting for Christmas when you were like 8 or so, remember that? The countdown, the anticipation, the daydreaming? And then going back to school in January....ugh.

I am not at an ugh point, not at all. Its just...what is next, you know? Like oh, ok, Thanksgiving, that will be nice, Christmas, yes definitely fun, but there is nothing as life changing on my horizon, at all. And so...

And so.

This is life. You know? And we get up in the morning and give kids juice boxes and breakfast bars (I am particularly lazy/unavailable in the AM hours. Baby love likes being nursed and held...and nursed and held...and repeat...and repeat...) And then play outside, some housework, laundry, maybe something crafty if my energy is up, maybe even, GASP, some writing. And then lunch, then naptime (or not? Little miss is transitioning away from naps, we still do quiet time but we are in that awkward nap=10pm bedtime, no nap=crabby evening...what to do...) Then afternoon play, then maybe a story with mom or some playdoh, then dinner prep, then dada is home and dinner, bath, bed...

And the next morning...

I do it again.

Its not that it is bad, not at all, it just IS. You know?

And then the whole skin cancer thing (now removed and resolved) and then the car breaks down and costs upteen dollars to fix and now babylove may apparently have a port wine stain birthmark...on her eye...and...well, I am TIRED.

how i spend many an hour...

and when she wakes up like this its all the better...
And, I am horribly bad at the whole "what is next" thing. Its always been a major struggle for me to be present in my day, I am much much better at it, even to the point of conquering that mindset, but every now and then I go, oh, okay, this is my life. And I love it, husband, babies, house SO so much, you know that, but every now and then I think, what about living abroad, writing a novel, doing do-gooder work again, etc. And I know it will come and I am in that baby phase now, and it goes so fast (I have a FIVE YEAR OLD?) I know that. Its just...Huh. I dont know.

Does anybody get this? That post-baby excitement...dare I say it...letdown?

Oh, that sounds evil.

But I look at them and GOOD GOD I love them, I do. I am so proud of them. And of me, for doing this, being at home with them. I do it, and I know, most days, I do it well.

I was trying to do this little game, to pull myself out of this post-baby funk, but, well, even now as I try to blog, I have to stand and bounce baby love sleeping in the wrap, too fussy just to sit and be asleep in my arms. Space and time to sit at the computer are, well, hard to come by.

And, its okay, its good. And I know this too shall pass, as they say, all too quickly.

And so. And so.

And so I look at the little faces around me, and I look at the cozy house around me, and I snuggle my snuggle baby, and laugh at my crazy kids, and, well, and I HAVE to be content. How can I not?



  1. although i don't know anything about babies...
    i felt like that after caleb and i got married. all that build up for the wedding and then...what? i think everyone feels like that at each new stage of life. also, your babies are so cute and i can't wait to see you all again!

  2. i love it so much sara! life just is. i think its kind of like planning a wedding. all that time preparing and then its over in one day and you have to get on with the new normal. and its wonderful, but that planning time/waiting time is over. and you kind of miss it in a way. i kind of get it. cari

  3. It's okay not to be content and to have dreams and all other good things to work for. And it's okay to know that you actually are where you want to be for the present time, and that is for the best, but to long for something more exciting. It's okay to have feelings.

    If it feels like too much, you could try reading "The Mood Cure" and taking some Tryptophan or Tyrosine or GABA or whatever. Postpartum is a time for all sorts of weird feelings because are bodies get depleted in a lot of these essential amino acids. Or, it could just be... normal.

    I don't know where the line is.

    Anyway, I don't know if you've tried this yet, but you could bounce babe on a birth ball while you're at the computer so you don't have to type and you can continue typing. That is how I lived for the first portion of my kids' lives.

  4. sisters - kisses, i love you both
    alison - this iis totally it. letting yourself have these feelings. its okay to not love every moment of it...but still love it...if you know what i mean...its okay to want more for yourself, someday...thanks for the recommendations. bouncing on a ball...will try that...

  5. I understand--although I usually feel so uncomfortable while being pregnant that the NOT pregnant feeling is a pretty good one.

    I have found a way to use the computer (and even type) while nursing. Boppy and baby (and pillows with a little baby) on my lap and me leaning over to type. Another thought for you is Dragon Dictation if you have an iPhone. It converts your voice to text. Because we NEED you to be able to write, Sara!


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