while mama is away

It is really strange to think about leaving my little family for more than a few days. I did do that trip this past spring, just for a long weekend though. To be gone for ten days? Really? I can do that?

What is crazy is that I have done this before. Long trips overseas working. But never EVER as a mama. Leaving dada, I have done that, but leaving my babies??

Okay, so I am taking one baby with me (the actual in fact baby) dear little bugga (short for buggaboo, which I started calling her for some reason in the weeks after she was first born) she will keep me company, keep my mama-ness intact, lest I forget. (HA. Sarcasm)

It is strange though, isnt it? Yes, I can exist apart from this little world within four walls, snug and cozy and ... monotonous ... and lovely and dear. I can. And there are parts of me that are "un-mama" Parts of me that love new ideas, new places, interacting with adults in intelligence (rather than say, on commenting on my kids cute-ness in the Target parking lot). This can happen.

And, what is more, I can still think. Use my brain for things other than, say, how to follow the Lego instructions to build the Ewok treehouse (incredibly complicated, I might add).

And, what is even more. It is okay. Okay to be excited about using this other dormant part of me.

Quite so.

But I still feel guilty, leaving my guys behind. "But there are volcanoes there!" sigh little man. "I WANT TO SEE THEM." Yes, yes, I know. We will go again. (Soon-ish?) "But I want to be with mama!" says little miss. Yes, yes, I love you too.

They will survive, right? Dada is perfectly capable. (Though, he ISNT mama) And grandma is leaving her farm for a few days to come and help out too.

my hack job of a book, attractive, no?

So, to make myself feel better (NOT because others can't manage without my input, but, seriously, to feel like part of me is still here, helping) I have compiled a little book (suggested by a friend who has left her brood behind for long trips before) A book of "Mama notes" with meal ideas and quirky nuances of each child and their daily lives that only mother's seem to know (bug catchers are in the green box on the shelf. Bugs MUST be released from captivity after a day. Please no wearing nice leather shoes in the mud. Etc. Etc. Etc)

I also purchased little tokens of affection (also known as bribery) at the Target dollar spot and wrapped them quickly for opening after dropping me off. (Dont be sad, dada can say, lets go open your PRESENTS!) On the back of the book is a little calendar to mark off the days until we will return and a note that little paper hearts are hidden around the house, to remember that mama LOVES YOU.

Okay. It will be okay, yes? Such a mix of emotions. A BREAK! SUNSHINE! HANGING OUT WITH MY SISTER (who is coming to watch baby while I teach my seminar) USING MY BRAIN! And then, LEAVING MY BABIES!!! GUILT! DADA USING VACATION TIME SO I CAN GO ON VACATION!! Etc. Etc.

Okay. Seventeen hours of flights and layovers with baby. A week away. Nineteen hours of travel home. A whole lotta nice-ness in between.

Go me.